Two beautiful butterflies
Emma Bean
Katie BugSometimes, I sit and wonder where has the time gone. My little girls are 8 months old. It is so very hard to believe that they will be 1 in just 4 short months.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
One Hell of a Week
So many things have happened over the past few weeks. Two are happy, but certainly sting a little.
My dear friend adopted a baby boy. I am so very delighted for her. She and her husband are wonderful parents to their daughter and their new son will be loved no less than their daughter. I'm rather intrigued to see what neat things they do with this new little tot. But, regardless of how happy I still had a little moment when I got that first picture of him on my cell. I guess it brought up some memories and feelings I wasn't quite prepared for or expecting.
Monday was my birthday. Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant and Derek graduated from Law School. What a freaking fantastic birthday. This year, was good, but I again...bittersweet. I missed him.
Wednesday my friend delivered a healthy baby boy. Here is the thing...I referred her to my doc and knew she would be delivering at General. I thought I would be okay. The co-workers and I decided to go over and see her around lunch time. As we walked to the car, I could feel myself start to falter. I stepped in the doors of the hospital and lost it. I turned right back around and walked out. That hospital is where my world was turned upside down. I could see the red chair in the lobby that I sat in at 1 o'clock in the morning the day after the babies were born. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking and pleading for any answer as to why our baby had died. That red chair was sitting in the same place. As I walked down the hallway toward post partum..more memories bubbled up. That walk I took over and over because I couldn't sleep. Instead of making the right to go to my room, we made a left. I took a deep breath. So, we entered the doorway of her room. I stood there. I looked at her new son from a distance. Quite a cute little guy. But, I couldn't get enough courage to hold him or even look at him for an extened period of time. Much to my delight/surprise the nurse came and said Dr. Stewart was coming to get the little man for his circ. I was excited. And then he appeared in the doorway. I walked over and he gave me hug. I kid you not, I started sobbing. Had I not caught myself it would have been the ugly boo hoo sob. He asked how I was. I said "okay until I saw you." I had wanted to see him. This man was such an integral part of my life for 22 weeks. I adored him. Silly, I know. So, we stood there talking until he really did need to do his work and we needed to get back. Once back at my desk. Away from anyone who could see me...I let go. I called Derek and I just let go. The ugly, giant tears, hyperventilating cry. Then I sucked it up and went to my meeting.
Tonight I am trying to make negatives of Charlie's foot moulds. I want to make a 3D image so I can put them in a shadow box. I made moulds of the girls hands and feet last weekend. I compared the girls to his. His are so tiny in comparison. When they were born, they were all the same size. It is another reminder that Charlie will forever be the 3lb 12oz perfect little newborn. He will never grow any bigger or do any of the things his sisters do. I won't pretend my heart doesn't ache. I guess it aches a little less intensely most days, but it still aches.
Tomorrow the girls turn 8 months. The are sitting, rolling over (when we aren't in the room), cooing, getting teeth, and fighting over toys. It is all so wonderful. It is all so bittersweet.
My dear friend adopted a baby boy. I am so very delighted for her. She and her husband are wonderful parents to their daughter and their new son will be loved no less than their daughter. I'm rather intrigued to see what neat things they do with this new little tot. But, regardless of how happy I still had a little moment when I got that first picture of him on my cell. I guess it brought up some memories and feelings I wasn't quite prepared for or expecting.
Monday was my birthday. Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant and Derek graduated from Law School. What a freaking fantastic birthday. This year, was good, but I again...bittersweet. I missed him.
Wednesday my friend delivered a healthy baby boy. Here is the thing...I referred her to my doc and knew she would be delivering at General. I thought I would be okay. The co-workers and I decided to go over and see her around lunch time. As we walked to the car, I could feel myself start to falter. I stepped in the doors of the hospital and lost it. I turned right back around and walked out. That hospital is where my world was turned upside down. I could see the red chair in the lobby that I sat in at 1 o'clock in the morning the day after the babies were born. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking and pleading for any answer as to why our baby had died. That red chair was sitting in the same place. As I walked down the hallway toward post partum..more memories bubbled up. That walk I took over and over because I couldn't sleep. Instead of making the right to go to my room, we made a left. I took a deep breath. So, we entered the doorway of her room. I stood there. I looked at her new son from a distance. Quite a cute little guy. But, I couldn't get enough courage to hold him or even look at him for an extened period of time. Much to my delight/surprise the nurse came and said Dr. Stewart was coming to get the little man for his circ. I was excited. And then he appeared in the doorway. I walked over and he gave me hug. I kid you not, I started sobbing. Had I not caught myself it would have been the ugly boo hoo sob. He asked how I was. I said "okay until I saw you." I had wanted to see him. This man was such an integral part of my life for 22 weeks. I adored him. Silly, I know. So, we stood there talking until he really did need to do his work and we needed to get back. Once back at my desk. Away from anyone who could see me...I let go. I called Derek and I just let go. The ugly, giant tears, hyperventilating cry. Then I sucked it up and went to my meeting.
Tonight I am trying to make negatives of Charlie's foot moulds. I want to make a 3D image so I can put them in a shadow box. I made moulds of the girls hands and feet last weekend. I compared the girls to his. His are so tiny in comparison. When they were born, they were all the same size. It is another reminder that Charlie will forever be the 3lb 12oz perfect little newborn. He will never grow any bigger or do any of the things his sisters do. I won't pretend my heart doesn't ache. I guess it aches a little less intensely most days, but it still aches.
Tomorrow the girls turn 8 months. The are sitting, rolling over (when we aren't in the room), cooing, getting teeth, and fighting over toys. It is all so wonderful. It is all so bittersweet.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
Well, it was my first Mother's Day with my babies in my arms instead of my belly. The day was fairly non-eventful. We hung around the house. It wasn't any different than any other day. Or atleast it didn't seem so. I won't say that part of me wan't sad. It wasn't the affair I had hoped. I talked to other mom friends and they were having tea parties and get togethers. I sat home and did nothing any different. We ended up going to dinner at the lebanese place, but that was about it. I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting, but I am certain the day was not it. I could tell you about how I stared at pictures of Charlie, but you probably already know that. Oh well, I suppose there is always next year. Right?
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Going to the Zoo...
I was totally "that parent"
Taking a spin with miss Julianna
One of my faves...Emma and the goat
Katie and the goats
Emma and the Acme dog
Katie and Conrad ConservationWe ventured out to the Zoo! The weather was finally nice enough to leave the house. So, we packed up the girls and headed to the zoo with our friend Sara and her two munchkins. While the girls didn't really care too terribly much, I made sure they saw everything and experienced as much as I could. I showed the the animals. I had their pictures taken with the big characters walking around. I let them feed the goats. I rode the carosel with them. And I put there heads in the funny penguin statues for pictures. Overall, definately a good day. The fresh air and sunshine did all of us good.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Happy Easter take 2
Egg Head's
The Easter Bunny came! Easter eve the girls and I dyed eggs for the doggies annual egg hunt. They didn't so much care, but they were rather fascinated with the eggs. The girls wore their special bunny jammies and went to bed. Not knowing that when they woke up there would be two baskets with goodies waiting for them. We sat them on the couch and let them "open" their baskets. For being 7 months old, they did a rather good job. They tore out the toys. Didn't care too much about the jammies. Put the candy in their mouths for a photo. Played with the grass and ribbon. All in all, they had a lovely time. They even posed for a few photographs.
What you didn't see in the video we shot was me sobbing. Like every other milestone, holiday, or event my mind wanders to Charlie. He should have been sitting there with his basket. Instead his basket sat next to his newly installed headstone.
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