Why Us?

I think every parent who has ever had their child die wonders this very quesion; why us?  I know I did.  I do.  The wondering has become less frequent and is usually trigger by an event, a comment, or something of that nature.  Such is the case today.  Today, one of my FB friends made a comment on another users page.  This page happens to be a couple who was expecting quads.  Well, the quads were born today.  All alive.  All fine.  They also happened to be delivered by the same doc who delivered me.  It happened...the anger, the hatred and the saddness became all consuming.  It only took a milisecond.  I couldn't breathe.  So why, why does this couple get to have all four of their babies survive and we lost Charlie.  I'm sure she did everything to keep her little ones in as I did too.  I'm sure her babies were as wanted as ours.  So, what makes her so special that all of her children survived and mine did not.  Don't misunderstand my anger at our life/situation as me wishing one of her children had died.  The thought of another family feeling the way that I do is appaulling.  I would never wish this on anyone.  To say that life isn't fair is the understatement of the year.  It isn't.  I know this.  Regardless of what my brain knows, my heart doesn't listed.  For even though it has a  thick scab on the wound that losing Charlie left, it still splits open from time to time.  Being it is Christmas time, that scab has worn thin.  It is starting to bleed.  I think Christmas is going to be a lot of fun this year.  It has certainly been a joy to watch the girls delight in the Christmas tree and all of the decorations. I imagine he would have been saying the lights are "cute" just like Emma and saying "oh wow" just like Kate.  Maybe he would have had some other word for his joy.  I don't know.  I will never know.  I hate this.  I hate this journey.  I hate that our son died.  I hate...I hate...I hate..I hate.  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter how much I hate.  It doesn't matter how much I wish.  This cannot be undone.  I can't wish it away.  This is reality.

Einstein

On Father's Day one of my husband's worst fears came true.  He had to call me while I was out of town and tell me something was wrong with one of our animals.  It was Einstein.  Einstein was my cat who Derek ultimately adopted.  The day I went to pick out a kitten at the Humane Society, it was he who was climbing up the cage they were in.  Reaching for me.  Meowing...begging me to resucue him.  When he was little he was this precosious, ornery, smart, and crafty kitten.  He got into the trash.  Ate spaghetti O's and twizzlers.  He could catch a mouse like no other.  In silent stalkery.  I am happy to say my little green eyed boy didn't waver in those things the older he got. 

The Friday night before I left to go to STL the girls and I sat on the couch eating rice pudding.  Einstein was right there eating his fair share.  (He always did have a taste for whatever I was eating...very un-cat like)  I left for STL on Saturday morning.  If only I had known I would have given him more rice pudding.  I would have petted him more.  I would have told him I loved him.  I would have let him sleep in bed with me one more time.

Sunday morning Derek called me.  Einstein was having a siezure and it was not stopping.  After our friend Kristy came to be with the girls he took my boy to the Emergency Vet.  After they finally got the siezure to stop and ran some tests, it was apparent his quality of life was compromised.  While I was sitting at the cemetary with Charlie, Derek and I made the decison to put Einstein to sleep.  Just saying that hurts my heart. 

Derek held him while the vet administered the injection.  He said it was instantanious and that he stroked his head and told him how much we love him.  I hate that I wasn't there.  He was my constant companion for almost 14 years.  In the end, I was not there for him

I picked up his ashes on Thursday night.  As I held this little gold container, I could no longer keep myself composed.  I began to wail.  Cry loudly and so hard in the parking lot of the vets office.  Derek stared at me, helpless.  Until he wrapped his arms around me to soften the sobs.  It was at that moment, I realized my friend was never coming home.  I had managed to avoid reality until then.

I know...I know...I know...he was just a cat.  I'm sure that is what many of you are saying.  Afterall, we have survived losing a child.  We can certainly survive losing a cat.  Yes, this is true.  But, he wasn't just a cat.  He was so not just a cat.  He was my daughters' best friend.

20 Months...Where has the time gone

You know, in the beginning, I struggled with breathing.  I focused all of my energy on Emma and Kate.  Maybe that is how I survived.  By doing that, did I somehow neglect Charlie?  I find myself fighting so hard to make sure people know he existed.  That he is a part of our family whether he is on Earth or in Heaven.  Then I stop, and I remember that every single conversation I had with people included him.  I didn't let the doctors or nurses call the girls twins.  I recall how I would sit at night and rock his little blue hat while sobbing.  That little blue hat is one of the most important pieces of attire I will ever touch.  It is the last thing to ever touch him.

So here we are, 20 months later.  So much has changed.  Yet, so much has stayed the same.  The girls of course have exponentially changed.  (more about them in a second)  I have changed.  I suppose I am a softer than I was in the early months.  I'm not as angry as I was before.  While I still wish Charlie had never died, I am not projecting that desire with every fiber of my body.  My sense of humor is slowly coming back.  I think the fog is lifting.  I've felt that way for a few months now.  That the haze was starting to dissapate.  I don't know that I like that.  Because no matter how hard I fight to make sure everyone knows Charlie was here and that he is part of my family, I feel like he is becoming less of a prescence.  Maybe that is normal.  Maybe -- just like every loved one who has passed, he will become a memory.  It is so very difficult to explain. 

Emma and Katie are just hilarious.  They are smart (a little too smart), funny, sweet, ornery, and the lights of my life.  I just can't imagine life without them. 

Emma:  has a pretty extensive vocabulary.  She says:  buh bye, hi, hello, kitty, doggie, moooo, "it's okay", awwww, cup, momma, daddy, "let's go", up, shoe, one, two, five, and high five, amen and probably others.  She is ornery.  She is the kid who will look straigh at you and spit her milk just because she can.  She is funny.  She is so animated.  Like a little cartoon character.  She is sweet.  Emma is very caring.  When Kate is throwing a temper tantrum she will walk over and rub her belly and tell Kate "it's okay".  Emma is still throwing some monumental temper tantrums.  Throwing her self in the floor and screaming.  Throwing things.  Screaming like a banchee when she is mad.  Emma is stubborn-squared.  I really think she got my families stubborness and Derek's stubborness.  She loves to dance.  She can't help it.  A song comes on the iPhone and her little butt starts to wiggle.  She can't control it.  She loves music.  Not just any music, but music with a beat or that is upbeat and peppy.  A few of her favorite songs are Skrillex "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites", Fun "We Are Young", and a few other dub step genre songs. 

Kate: has finally started talking!  While her vocabulary is quite as extensive as Emma's she still says quite a bit:  bye bye, hello, hi, cup, uppie, quack quack, moooo, kitty, dog, mommy, daddy, Emma, 'it's okay', shoe, awwww, one, two, amen and high five.  She is so sweet.  It is kind of ridiculous.  She is a pleaser.  She generally goes with the flow.  She likes to run around screaming the funniest noises.  But, like her sister she can be stubborn.  She does lay in the floor and arch her back while pushing herself across the floor.  Her big fits end up in her turning purple and passing out.  I will never get used to that.  It still scares the ever living crap out of us.  Kate is also very shy.  It takes her a good 45 minutes to warm up to you.  Once she does, she is okay.  She loves her stuffed cow during the day.  When she is having a moment, she will go find her cow and carry it around.  At night, she sleeps with Mr. Frog.  She tucks her blanket and her frog under her belly and sleeps on them.  She is still climbing on anything and everything.  Once she tackles, Emma follows.  she also likes to dance, but she isn't quite as wiggly as Emma.  She enjoys the same songs as Emma, but also enjoys Micheal Jackson's "Billie Jean". 

We have started praying at night before we go to bed.  It has become part of our bedtime routine.  I think it is so adorable to hear them each say "amen" when we are finished.  Other things they enjoy:  bubbles, finger paining, their water table, taking showers with mommy (thank goodness they don't realize what being naked is...yet), spitting milk everywhere, Yo Gabba Gabba (this show is like crack, it is the only tv they are allowed to watch), and taking walks with me in the evening.

I just cannot believe they will be 2 in four short months.  I just don't know where the time has gone...

Happy Easter

The Duckies
Charlie and the duckies

Katie, Emma, Charlie, and duckies

Katie and the duckies

Emma and the duckies

This morning started with seeing the goodies the Easter Bunny brought them. They got

Easter Bunny ears, some mini m&m's, bracelets, Bubble Wands, and slinky's. BUT the greatest part of their Easter weekend was the BABY DUCKIES! We got to play with two baby duckies! Emma loved them. Kate wanted to, but she was a little overwhelmed by them. She did touch them and laugh at them. However when they got in her lap...she wanted them removed. Emma didn't mind them in her lap until they started nipping at her.

18 Months

A whole year and a half! I'm completely amazed at them every day. Not only are they just completely amazing, but they are funny too.

Emma says: Uh oh, Hi, poop poop, doggie, kitty, cat, cup, katie bug, bug bug, I get.

Kate says: Hi, Hello, uh oh, kitty, cup, do it, and cup.

They make me laugh regularly. Especially when they give each other High Fives :)

However, Kate has a new trick. She has started biting. She bit Emma on the nose they other day and today I watched her get mad and try to bite Emma on the chest.

Emma is still throwing herself in the floor or the porch when she doesn't get her way. She is also hitting, yes, hitting.

I've learned a few things...

It seems that everyday someone new is added to this "club". This shitty club of sadness, anger, and despair. Strangely, my role within this club has changed. I am no longer the one who is needing the support, but the one who is providing the support. It seems so odd to me. If you had told me those first few months that I would be in this place, I would have called you a liar. For at that time, I could barely breathe let alone imagine I might someday offer sound advice to someone in this same position.

Somewhere along the road I have learned a few things.

I have learned that I no longer tolerate things that I did before. Petty things just don't bode well with me anymore.

I've learned that even if I don't want to, I will continue to survive. If not for myself, but for my girls. They make life worth living and then some.

I've learned that life isn't fair. It wasn't fair we were semi-infertile. It wasn't fair that I did everything I could to keep the three of them safe and Charlie died anyway.

I've learned not everyone understands. No matter how much I wish they did.

I've learned that people will always disappoint you in the end.

I've learned people who share a similar story, make wonderful friends.

I've learned there are far more of us out there than anyone ever cared to know.

While to average reader, this might all seem very cynical. Perhaps. Perhaps, it is just a glimpse of the person you become when you lose a child. For no life, regardless of how short it may be is insignificant. That the grieving parent, deserves to grieve however they muddle through. That support shouldn't end after a period of time. And those people who do not understand, should take a few lessons from us. If nothing else, to learn empathy.

Valentine's Day

Katie, Charlie, and Emma

Valentine's Day 2012

I'm sitting here thinking about what Valentine's Day means to me. Before 2010 it meant nothing really. It happens to be my BFF Paula's birthday, but otherwise, it wasn't a big deal. Then Valentine's Day 2010 happened. That was the day we saw our three little babies for the first time. They were 2 - 6 celled embryos and 1 - 8 cell embryo. They were the most beautiful balls of cells I had ever seen. Carefully, our doctor transferred from their petri-dish to my womb. When it was all finished, I laid on the gurney. Derek and I staring at the first photos of our children. On that day Valentine's Day became special to me. A day that I will treasure for the rest of my life. For that day, I became a mother. Or at least, had the potential to become a mother.

Fast forward to last year's Valentine's Day. That day was filled with emotion. It had only been 5 months since the birth of the babies and the death of our little prince. I was so sad. So very sad as I reflected on the feelings I had that year before. You see, as I layed on the gurney looking at those pictures, I was so hopeful. I was also so very terrified. That we would either not get pregnant at all or lose one or two of our little embryos. Not ever thinking that exact thing would happen 8 months later. That our second Valentine's Day as a family would be missing one of those balls of cells.

As Valentine's Day this year approaches, I have some of the same feelings. Feelings of joy and sadness all intertwined. I suspect it will come and go without incident. We will celebrate the best we can. Maybe I will gather enough courage to look at those pictures again and try to go back to that day. The day full of joy, hope, and naivety.

16 Months

Yesterday the monkey's turned 16 months. They are running, climbing, and generally just being funny. Emma says: kitty kitty kitty, uh oh, hi, get, and several other things that while I can't quite make them out I know she is saying things. According to the developmental psychologist she has quite an extensive vocabulary. Kate isn't chatting quite as much. She is very good at pointing and showing me what she wants. She is communicating, just differently. Again, according to the developmental psychologist, she too has a good vocabulary. They got a stuffed dolphin for Christmas that miss Katie absolutely loves. When I ask her where here "ee ee" is she laughs and runs and finds it. Why do we call the dolphin "ee ee"? Well, becuase that is the sound a dolphin makes don't you know. These two little girls just keep me laughing.

Generally, the 23rd of the month comes and goes these days. In the beginning I noticed it. I dreaded the 23rd of each month. Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk and I realized it was the 23rd and I happen to look at the time at 11:37 am. Three minutes before we were told Charlie had died 16 months before. All of the sudden those emotions came flooding back. I kept it under control, which is something I would have NEVER been able to do just a few short months ago. I just sat at my desk feeling sad. I left work, thinking I was in the clear. Nope...not so much. I went grocery shopping. When I went to check out the song "Far Away" by Nickleback came on. I started to cry at the check out. The line "I love you, I wanted you to stay..." gets me every time (as I tear up writing it).

While time continues to pass, the feelings aren't as raw. Charlie is never far from my thoughts. I still wonder what he would look like and how he would be right now. How would he fit in with the girls. Would he be the leader or the follower. Would he have a wicked temper like Miss Emma or would he have a longer fuse like Miss Kate. I really hope he wouldn't be a breath holder - turn purple - pass outter kind of kid like Miss Kate, who did that three times during dinner last night. I will never know any of these answers. But I won't stop wondering.

Having a Charlie Moment...

This has been a rough week. Not only at work, but just in general. It seems like everywhere I turn there is triplet "stuff". Commercials, families, even a surgeon used triplets in an analogy. It isn't that I ever want to forget I had triplets. I absolutely don't. However, seeing/hearing this stuff just hurts. I was part of this special "club" of women to carry three babies at one time. And while that part doesn't change, I only have two of them in my arms. My arms aren't full. My heart isn't full. With this comes all of the same questions of "why us?" Clearly, I will never know or understand the reason. It doesn't make things easier.

I suppose part of the reason it has been particularly difficult is Katie Bug's NY Eve incident and we lost our friend Dr. Knerr. Charlie and he share the same name. The world lost another Charles. Sigh...

I haven't been able to get the image of Katie out of my head. I imagine that she and Charlie would have looked similar. Atleast they did when they were born. I was scared. I'm still scared. I feel like I had finally let my guard down a little bit and WHACK! there is another little reminder that they can be taken away from us at any minute. That thought is just too much to bare.

Today I also read up on a story I followed two years ago. It was about a little boy in Peoria who was very sick with leukemia and was not expected to make it until Christmas. So, people all around his home town and the country put up Christmas lights in Oct/Nov and shared photos of them for him. He loved Christmas lights. Well, he passed away after not too long after Christmas. He was just a little guy. 2-ish. His mom is amazing. She has done so many wonderful things to honor her son. They also had another baby. She is just about the same age as the girls. They had posted a photo of their family together at the cemetary. We've taken that same photo. I hate it.

I hate that there are so many families who know what it feels to lose a child. Whether their child is born too soon or like Dr. Knerr's mother, their child is 65. It isn't fair.

So, while I was sitting here thinking about Charlie. How his fingernail on his right pinky was long and mishaped. That his feet looked just like mine. That he had so much dark brown hair. And that he had the cutest little lips. I decided to google him. Most of what comes up is about his website that quite frankly, I have failed at keeping up. But, a few other things come up. One is a memorial his Grandma/Grandpa Haake dedicated to him at College Church. And the other is a dedication I did for him on CarlyMarie Dudley's website. I had forgotten I did this.

It certainly describes how I feel about him and I thought I would share it.


Jennifer Haake says:
December 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm
My Charlie, each day you bring me joy and happiness that I cannot describe. You are the bright star in the sky that I wish upon. You are the rainbow that comes before the rain. You are that part of me that will forever be missing. I love you little boy. Merry Christmas.
Love,
Daddy, Mommy, Emma and Katie
Remembering Charles Douglas Haake, born still September 23, 2010

Happy New Year!

Our New Year's Eve was spent driving. We said one more good bye to Charlie and hit the road for home. It seemed to take forever. We pulled into our driveway at 11:00. One hour until midnight...yay! The girls were troopers during the drive. (Thank goodness for the Muppet movie and their Calm Baby video) We opted to let them play for a few before we put them to bed. Afterall, 10 hours in a car makes a person stiff.

At 11:30 I grabbed Emma to get her jammies on. Derek grabbed Kate. Kate started to cry. She cried so hard that she turned blue. Not just a little dusky because she was crying hard. She hadn't inhaled. It felt like an eternity. Her face turned purple, her lips were blue. Her eyes, I can't describe her eyes. I believe she may have lost consciousness. When she finally started to cry, she was dazed. And as quickly as it happened, she was fine. She was her happy - playful self. After she was okay, I tried to finish getting Emma dressed. I couldn't. The sheer panic finally set in. My hands shook. I started hyperventilating. At one point I screamed. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried. Ultimately, I ran outside to try and compose myself. Leaving Derek to dress the girls. The image of her little face. Her cheruby face turning purple. Her lips turning blue. She looked like Charlie. Those same feelings of intense fear and sadness overtook me.

I came inside and let Derek have his minute. He was just as scared as I was. He just held it together much better than I did. I don't know how, but he did.

Our pediatrician had told us this may happen. That kids get really mad and hold their breath. He warned us it would be very scary. Scary is an understatement.

About 10 to midnight we put them to bed. I'm not sure either of us realized midnight came and went.

We drank our champagne and waited to ring in Charlie's New Year. At midnight his time we toasted our New Year. We turned off our Christmas lights for him and went to bed.

Here we are...2012. One more year away from him. Sigh.

Merry Christmas

Read to us Santa

Rather than traveling on Christmas day we opted to stay home until the day after. Santa delivered a few toys and clothes for the girls. They opened their gifts. I'd like to say they were excited about the things they got, but they are 15 months old. Everything is neat and new for a little bit. Including the boxes. However, they did enjoy the little doggie and the weeble wobble people like thing (don't you love my descriptors). Kate is so smart. She loves to try and figure out how things work. So, true to form, she quickly discovered that if you push the star the weeble toy lit up and played music. So, from the time they opened them until we left for brunch, that is what we heard over and over. I wrote a letter to Charlie and placed it in his stocking where it will remain. I've decided that I will do this for him every year.

Brunch was at Noah and Suzanne's. Their home was filled with love and laughter. It was so nice to be around the "adopted" family. People who don't have to, but love you and your children anyway. They were happy to see us and the girls.

Ultimately, we came home and got ready for our trip to St. Louis. The 500+ mile drive from Ohio to St. Louis. I'd be lying if I said I was so excited about the drive part. However, this time I drove 80 pretty much the entire way. No construction, no rain, and no snow. Fantastic! The girls were troopers.

Our first stop was to see Charlie. I didn't get home to see him last Christmas. I didn't see his little evergreen blanket or his little Christmas tree. This year, I did. His grave was so decorated and colorful. I'm so grateful my mom and mother-in-law take things to him. The sock monkey and stocking were hanging over him. Watching over him.

The remainder of the trip was family gatherings. Toy gluttony for the girls. Trips back and forth to see Charlie and visits with friends.

It was a nice week. Too short as always. There is never enough time to see everyone. Someone always gets their feelings hurt. In the end, I leave there sad and home sick. Wishing.

Always leaving, never staying.

Oh the holidays are here...Shit!

I've decided this year is more difficult than last year. How is that possible, last year we were only 9 weeks out from losing Charlie and caring for our two newborns. I mean, I made Thanksgiving dinner and then sat outside and sobbed (very loudly I might add). Well it is. I think last year everything was so new. I think for the most part we were still in the Hell, I mean shock. We went through the motions. Tried to be happy while screaming on the inside and sometimes on the outside. This year everything has set in. I have accepted this is and will forever be our lives. We will always miss him. We will always love him. We will always take joy in our girls. We will always love them (kinda sounds like a Whitney Houston song). But, no matter how fucking pissed off I get and demand that we rewind time and blah blah blah. It isn't going to happen. So now, I think it's a little more real. We can physically feel the void. It turns out, according to my therapist, that this is normal. Who knew we were that either. Hmmmm

Regardless of how much I miss him I am still thankful for so many things. I am thankful for:

1. My husband. While he drives me insane (I'm sure the feeling is mutual) some times, I adore him. I don't know of any other couple who would have survived all of the shit we have and still come out okay on the other side.

2. My girls. They are funny, smart, and just plain adorable. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me happy. They make my heart melt with their smiles and belly laughs.

3. My mom. As i've gotten older, I realize she really did know a lot more than I thought (insert..I told you so). While she is my mom, I think of her as more of a friend. This past year she has really been instrumental in my survival.

4. My sister. I hate that I don't get to talk to her very often, but I know she is busy. I hope she knows how much I love her. I know I don't tell her nearly enough.

5. My friends. I hve a wonderful group of friends. They love me for me. They understand that I don't have a ton of time to talk on the phone. I hope they know how much I love them.

So, as this holiday season comes and goes, I plan on reminding myself of what I do have. It is hard not to think of what is missing, but I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Everyone have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Happy Halloween

We went to one of the Halloween stores just to meander around and waste a little time. There was this grave stone-skeleton kit that just threw me through a loop. In this kit was a tiny skull. A skull that would have been pretty close to the size of the babies heads when they were born. It made me physically ill. I had to leave the store because I was sick to my stomach and light headed. All I could think about was is that what is left of Charlie? After that, Halloween was kinda destroyed for me this year. I could have cared less if it came or not. However, we trudged along and dressed the girls up. We passed out candy to all of the trick or treaters. And then took the girls down to Suzanne and Noah's for a bit. The girls had chocolate for the first time. I gave them one of those snack size hershey bars to chew on. Thinking "oh, they won't get them open." HA!! I was wrong. I looked down at them to find they had indeed opened the chocolate and had little brown rings around their mouths. Hilarious. What wasn't so hilarious was taking the slimy chocolate bars away. Holy Hell...the screaming that ensued. Overall, the day was enjoyable. Zach and Laura came over. Ryan and his girlfriend (also a Katie) came in from Chicago.

Happy Birthday My Three Beans

Happy Birthday Buddy

Happy Birthday Monkeys
Katie's Official 1st Birthday Picture

Emma's Official 1st Birthday Picture


A butterfly from Charlie's Butterfly release
The 5 of us

Today (okay, really this is November..let's pretend), is their birthday. It is filled with more emotion than one person should ever expierence at any given time. It is filled with extreme anxiety. I want their birthday party to be perfect. It is filled with joy. These babies have given me so much joy in their short little lives thus far. It is filled with sadness. I want there to be three little people smashing cakes with their names on them. It is filled with defeat. This is my life without him.
Last night was their first birthday party. We took cupcakes and balloons to Charlie and sang happy birthday to him. I had sang to him the day before. I needed to be the first person to sing to him. No one else was going to get that privledge. No one. As I sat next to him with his sisters, I spoke out to everyone around. I said: "This day, one year ago was the best and the worst day of my life. On that day, I met my three beautiful children. I also had to say goodbye. I spoke of how Charlie had changed my life. How I miss him. And how while I do not get to take care of him, I do have the privledge of taking care of his sisters. And I hope that I make him proud to call me his mom." Those standing around me agreed. Few had very little to add. We even took our second family photo. Not what we had ever envsioned, but none the less. Our family of 5 was in the picture. For, that is all I can ask. Once we left the cemetary we went back to my mom's house. Ate pizza and cupcakes. Celebrating the girls and all that they bring us each day. To end the evening we watched the movie Derek put together for their birthday. As Emma watched herself on the screen, she screached. As if she was saying, "hey that's me!".

I crept into where the girls were sleeping at midnight to sing happy birthday to them. I wanted to sing to them first on their actual birthday. Again, no one was getting that privledge.

As we left for the party with a million totes, boxes, and centerpieces in tow, I lost it. My sister hugged me, and I just lost it. No one understood why I made Derek wear a tie. Or why I wore a dress and did my hair and make up. The fact is, this had to be perfect. It had to be perfect because it was a celebration of my children. Children that without the help of medicine, I would never have. A son who is in Heaven. Two darling little girls who make me laugh and swell with pride. Overall, the party was good. Everyone seemed to enjoy it (for being a party for 3 One year olds). To conclude the party, we released 60+ balloons with birthday wishes to Heaven for Charlie. I watched the balloons leave my hands, reach the top of the building and that is it. I lost it. Paula hugged me and I sobbed. Not just weepy tears, but wailing, sobbing giant tears. While everyone was standing around, Derek's cousin grabbed my arm and pulled me over to the overlook. In the field was a single deer. Grazing in the field. This might seem silly to most, but it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a very unusual time for a deer to be out and about. It was obvious everyone was thinking (hoping) it was Charlie making sure we knew he was there with us.

Of the past 365 days since Charlie died, that day, I felt him everywhere. He was the single deer in the field. He was the voice in my head saying "Mom, relax, it will be okay". He was the last blue balloon floating in the cieling when all of the other decorations were put away and gone.
Emma and Kate were so ovewhelmed with all of the people and screaming kids. They both sat in the middle just watching. Especially Miss Emma. Kate was feeling a little more insecure with the chaos. She clung to me quite a bit.

They recieved pretty spectacular gifts. Of all of the gifts they could get, the gift of love is the most special. As I stood looking around at the swirling group of 60 something people, I realized that my children are extremely loved. We have some very special people in our lives. (including our friends who surprized us driving all the way from Ohio to celebrate with us.) How lucky are we?!

Ignorance is Bliss

Approximately today a year ago is when Charlie was rolling around and pinched his cord. Little did we know that he had died. We were blissfully awaiting for our weekly appointment and NST. As his mother, I wonder how I didn't know. How did I not realize he wasn't moving anymore. How did I not realize that my little boy had died. What I do know is that I was still feeling movement. Everyone seemed to be their active little selves. I go back to the days before we were told he died and try to figure out when exactly it happend. I've, at times, driven myself crazy trying to pin point it. There wasn't any specific "thing" that happened that would have alarmed me. I wasn't really feeling good on Sunday. That makes me wonder if maybe he didn't really pass away then. As far as Dr. Stewart could tell, Charlie passed away sometime on Monday 9/20. He guessed this by the peeling he had around his nose. I wonder if they had done an ultrasound at that Monday appointment, would they have found his heart had stopped then? We will never know. I don't know that it would matter if we did know.

I have to accept this is my reality. I don't want to. I can't accept this is my reality. My son did not die. He couldn't have. Maybe this is just some weird nightmare between reality and fantasy. Perhaps I am just in some bizarre other dimension. Mother's are not supposed to bury their children. I shouldn't be taking him cupcakes and balloons that he will never enjoy. There shouldn't be a little gray stone as the only physical proof he was alive ever.

I hate this. I hate everything about this. I want my son. I want to hold my son and tell him every day that I love him. I want to kiss my son on his perfect little lips like I do his sisters each day. I want to tickle his little round belly and hear him laugh. I want to feel his little boddy against mine as I read them a bedtime story each night. I want him to rest his little head against my chest so I can stroke his dark brown hair. I want to see what color his eyes would have been.

No matter how much I want, it won't happen. It can never happen.

Instead, I will take cupcakes to his small plot in the cemetary and sing happy birthday to him. I will tie balloons on his shephard's hook. I will take little pumpkins, fall flowers, and halloween decorations and place them on his grave. I will sit next to his small space and cry wishing this wasn't reality.

Ignorance really is bliss.

11 Months...Wowzers

The monkeys are 11 months old. It is like something switched on. They are pulling up on everything. Chatting away. Crawling on their knees (although, not all of the time). Miss Katie bug is trying to climb up the stairs. They are eating almost everything. Chicken, veggies, crackers, cheese, yogurt, etc. We've started working on getting rid of the bottles. They will drink out of the soft sippy cups, but haven't quite gotten the hang of the hard ones. But, I think they are certainly on their way.

For a Moment...

This evening we ordered chinese for dinner. The delivery woman (who delivers here a lot) started talking to Derek. I was sitting on the couch feeding the girls their bedtime bottle listening to the conversation. She was talking about her wedding and her kids. Then BAM! we were gobsmacked. I realize she doesn't know that Charlie died. She started talking about how the girls would make him the scapegoat and that he would be the protector. Derek didn't correct her. I sat there listening with tears in my eyes holding his sisters. I could see how hurt Derek was, but he couldn't bare to correct her.

Once she left I asked Derek why he didn't correct her. He said that he just couldn't. Why shatter her image. Why make her sad. And then he said "to her, Charlie is alive". I started to cry. He was right. In her mind, he is alive. In her mind, he is crawling and playing with his sisters. In her mind, our lives were not shattered. In her mind, we aren't picking up those shattered pieces and trying to fit them together like a jagged puzzle. For a moment, everything was okay. For that moment we could pretend that he was alive. For a moment, life was the way it was supposed to be.

I wish it wasn't a moment. I wish it was forever.

10 Months...

My princess's
Katherine Bug-Bug

Emma Bean

The Covered Bridge

I know I say this almost every monthly post, but I just can't believe the girls are 10 months old. They are both just blabbering up a storm. Katie is working on crawling. Emma is right there behind her. However, she is a little more reserved. She scoots on her butt. She will scoot wherever she wants to go as long as she doesn't have to get on her belly. So dainty and proper. They have started feeding themselves puffs, peas, carrots, yogurt melts, mum mums, crackers, and biter biscuits. It seems taht a switch just went off and POOF! they wanted to eat regular food. They have also been eating yogurt. Kate isn't liking baby food as much. She spits it at if she doesn't like it. We are working on that one too.

Charlie's Legacy: Family stories of grief, healing and solace

I had an experience this weekend that led me to an epiphany. I need to help other families. To do this, I think I would like to give other families experiencing this to be able to put their pain on paper with the hopes that it will help others. Our vision for this book is a family oriented book. We would like the experiences/thoughts/feelings of the parents, the grandparents, and the aunts and uncles. No matter how raw. Now matter the emotion involved. Many of the books that exist currently focus on the parents and thier aspect of the loss. Grandparents get lost. The parent's siblings are lost. The loss of a baby engulfs an entire family. The entire family is affected in a multitude of ways. We want to give families a place to document their journey. Their sadness. And for some, their rainbows. We want families that are in the very beginning of the process to families that are years in the making. It is the only way we can be of help to others while helping ourselves.

If you are interested, or know anyone who would like to contribute, please let myself or Derek know.

Happy 4th of July!!

Katie
We are not amused

Emma

They love the Fireworks!!! I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I love fireworks. I was afraid they would be afraid. Not one bit. They sat in my lap in complete awe of the bangs and the bright flashes of color.

As I sat there watching their excitement and wonder, I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that came over me. I sat there, stroking their silky hair, and sobbed. I had bought them outfits last summer for the 4th of July. I had bought Emma a little red dress with little flowers and Charlie little red plaid shorts with a white shirt that had a red stripe. I would have bought Katie a red dress to go with thier outfits. Instead, Charlie's outfit is packed away in a green tote with all of his other belongings and the girls wore new outfits that were completely different than what I had planned. It hurt. While the evening was wonderful, it hurt. Another first for them. Another first for us.