Happy Halloween!

Halloween is a big deal in the Haake house. It's only surpassed by Christmas. So, it was not a surprise that we dressed the girls up. They did pass out a few pieces of candy and went to two houses (our neighbor Jeff and Cheri's). Otherwise, they stayed inside sleeping through the trick or treaters.

Wow, a month old already....

Last Saturday the girls turned one month old. Where has the time gone?! At their last doctor's appointment Emma weighed 5lb 14oz (my birth weight) and Katie weighed 6lb 3oz. In one week they had gained 8 and 9 ounces, respectively. I hadn't realized how much they had really grown until I was looking back at their newborn pictures. Wow, what a difference. Not only have their appearances changed some, but their personalities have changed as well. Both are still pretty relaxed babies, but Emma has found her voice and is a little impatient. When she wants something she wants it right now. Katie patiently waits for whatever she wants. Unless, it is the middle of the night and she wants her binky. Yes, the binky. In general they don't want them much during the day. However, once the 9 pm feeding hits, they start getting tired and want them. I find it to be bizarre, but I would rather limit the binky to night time then all of the time. That being said, if they are super cranky (like they have been today) then I am okay with letting them have them. I've also noticed they are having longer wake periods. Poor Katie has reflux. I am suposed to give them a multi-vitamin, but that makes it worse for her. So, I give it to her every other day. She also is now taking Zantac. Oh, I hope it helps. The poor baby just screams. You know it hurts.

I'm enjoying the time with them. I only have a few more weeks left before I go back to work. I won't pretend I want to go back. I've always wanted to stay home with my children. I think it is important to give them that the first 5 or 6 years. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. Instead, Derek will be home with them until he finds suitable employment. I'm a litte angry/envious of that.

Last night we carved pumpkins for Halloween. We bought each baby a pumpkin. Emma's has a princess crown with an "E". Katie's is a lady bug (I call her Katie Bug) and Charlie's has his name and angel wings. We also bought a couple big ones. We will call those the "mommy and daddy pumpkins".

Our first week at home...

We have been home a week today. Truthfully, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to. The girls are on a pretty strict schedule. I think that has helped tremendously. The four of us have a little routine so far. Now mind you, their idea of a routine is eating and sleeping. However, we all seem to be adjusting fairly well. When we brought them home we introduced them to the dogs one at a time. As I suspected, the babies are not really our babies. They are actually their babies. Teaghan is peticularly protective. He gets quite upset when they cry. I will admit, once the babies were born the animals were knocked down the totem pole quite a bit. I never thought I would let that happen, but I suppose it is just the nature of things.

This weekend Derek's brother was married and all of his family came in to town. We had a parade of visitors all weekend. Additionally, my mom, Mike, Cass, and Scott were here visiting. Of course, I sobbed when my mom left. I really miss my family. Derek's parents just left. Derek went with them to grab dinner. All of the sudden my house seems very empty. It is just me and the girls. Feels strange.

How am I coping overall...it is hourly. Some days are better than others. This past week has been really rough. I'm not sure why, but it seems I have been crying more than not. The roller coaster of emotions is probably the hardest. I have these two amazing and beautiful little girls whom I adore. But, my heart still aches for their brother. I should be focusing on what I have and not what I don't. I am grateful that these girls are healthy and perfect, but some days it is very hard not to focus on the loss. I look at his pictures every morning and every night. Today I looked at the pictures we took of him and us in the hospital. He really was beautiful and just so amazing. I am sure with time that will become less frequent, but for now, it helps me. Tomorrow is going to be the first meeting of a support group for parents who have lost babies. I am hoping it helps.

I have a million pictures to upload and to email out, I will get to it. I promise.

The girls are going home...

It is hard to believe it has been two and a half weeks since our babies were born. Their stay in the NICU is almost over. Thank goodness!! Tonight Derek and I have a series of videos we have to watch. The girls have to pass a car seat challenge and then tomorrow once the docs round we will get to bust out of here.

The girls have changed so much already. Emma started out at 4lb 7oz. As of last night she was 5lb 1oz. Katherine started out 4lb 12oz. As of last night she was 5lb 4oz. Both have just about grown out of the preemie clothes. Not as much in weight but in length.

Derek and I were holding the girls last night and started talking about Charlie. We were wondering what he would look like. Would his personality be like the girls? The girls are so docile and easy going. Palliative care brought me the 3-D impressions they took of Charlie. I am so grateful to have them. I look at his pictures every day and now I can touch his hands and feet.

The best and worst day of my life...

You all know our beautiful babies were born on September 23, 2010. This day was the best day of my life and the worst day of my life. Our first daughter, Emma was born at 12:57pm weighing in at 4lb 7oz. Katherine, came at 12:58 weighing in at 4lbs 12oz. And our beautiful son, Charlie, was born at 12:59 weighing 3lbs 12oz.

The plan for that day was NST, lunch, and Dr. Stewart. We really had no reason to think anything was going to happen any differently. I was tired and moving slowly, but the babies seemed to be doing fine. They were moving and Baby B had the hiccups. We started our NST. Marty got baby A on the FECG, then baby B. When it came time to find baby C time seemed to stand still. She couldn't find him. She took us over to the ultrasound room where I heard the words "baby C has expired". Those words will forever be burned into my soul. Derek and I held each other and sobbed. Our vigorous and active little baby had died. What happened? That is all I could say. They called Dr. Stewart and he ran over to us. I called my mom. Within the hour we were going to meet our babies.

They took me to pre-op. Derek ran home to get our video camera and our camera. After all, we weren't planning on any of this happening. I remember filling out a ton of paperwork. They put in my IV and got me prepped for my c-section. I felt like I was in someone elses body.

Derek got to the hospital about 5 minutes before I walked back to the OR. He put on his garb for the OR. I walked back. They put in my spinal. And it was off to the races. Dr. Stewart pulled out each baby and showed them to me over the curtain. First was Emma, then Kate, then Charlie. All three were beautiful and perfect.

Derek filmed it all. They took all three babies to another room. Emma was fine. She didn't require any real additional assistance. Katherine was intubated and given a dose of surfactant. And Charlie was dressed in a little hat and gown for Derek to hold. Derek told me he sat and held Charlie until they wheeled me into recovery.

I sat with my perfect little boy in my arms. He was beautiful. He looked a lot like Katie. They think he rolled on his cord. His cord was small and short. They said when that when the cord is small it doesn't recover like a fatter cord. That he probably rolled and pinched it for just a second. They brought Emma in for us to hold. I held Charlie on one side and Emma on the other. Then they wheeled Katie in so we could see and touch her. We took a photo of the 5 of us. Our family. I held Charlie for 8 hours. Those were 8 of the fastest and most precious hours of my life.

Emma and Katie were transferred over to Akron Children's NICU. Emma went along for the ride more than for the support. Katie was given another dose of surfactant and extubated the next afternoon. They are doing very well. They are really just kind of hanging out in the NICU growing a little bit. I'm hoping their stay is going to be a short one, but they say plan on them coming home some time around their original due date. I go up to the NICU everyday and spend as much time with them as I can. When I am with them, my heart doesn't hurt. I tend to forget for just a little bit.

I stayed in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. We had a funeral for Charlie on Wednesday. My mom flew home to St. Louis on Friday. Derek and I flew home and buried him on Saturday. I feel like a third of me is missing. I keep wondering how you can miss something so much that you really never met. I hear the pain never really gets easier it just changes. You learn to stop focusing on the loss and redirect it. There are times I can't breathe thinking of Charlie. I ache for him. I am lucky, I still have these two amazing girls. They are amazing gifts and it is my job to take care of them and love them.

I'm going to keep posting to the blog. I'm not going to change the name. I carried and delivered three perfect babies. They will always be my three beans.

33 Weeks...Hopefully (keep your fingers crossed) 3 more weeks!

Today I am 32w6d...let's just pretend it is tomorrow and I am 33 weeks. Yesterday was a day I prefer not to repeat. Although, if I stop and look at the big picture it really is a minor bump in the road and quite frankly, it's amazing I haven't ended up there before. Where is there...well, it is Labor and Deliver Triage. Yesterday was my weekly NST (non-stress test). I wasn't worried. I know the beans are all doing well. I mean I feel them and see them move constantly. However, what I wasn't expecting was to start contracting. Now, I have been having some contractions for the past 2 weeks. BUT, they always stop and really not to worry about. However, yesterday as I am laying there all hooked up listening to the babies heartbeats race away, I started having rhythmic contractions. I was contracting every 6 minutes. Not crazy strong ones, but none the less. So, Marty, called Dr. Stewart and off to OB Triage I go. I got naked, hooked up to the monitor and was kinda hanging out. Still contracting. They had the nursing student come in and draw labs. I was impressed, didn't even leave a bruise (it helps that I know my anatomy and told her where to stab). Then they came in and gave me a shot of Terbutaline. This drug is used to stop premature labor. Made me feel like I had taken crack. I was shaky and jittery, but it stopped the contractions. Then the Resident came in and did a fetal fibronectin swab and checked my cervix. This test evidently is a predictor of pre-term labor. Thankfully, it was negative and my cervix is still long and tightly closed. I was sent home with oral Terbutaline just in case, but haven't had to take any yet. Good news, right?

Today I had a scheduled growth ultrasound. Now, I know the beans are fine. After all, they perform like little superstars in all of their testing. As I was sitting in the waiting room I could feel myself getting anxious. Why...who the hell knows. So, needless to say, my BP was pretty high when I went in. And to top it off I had protein in my urine. So, Dr. Stewart wants me rest over the weekend and try to get my head out of my ass. Then I get to go in Monday morning for a BP check. If the BP is still high and there is still protein in my urine I am being admitted for strict bed rest and monitoring.

This is my plan. Park it on the couch. Drink a crap load of fluids and devour an entire watermelon by Monday. In case you didn't know watermelon is a natural diuretic. Hopefully, the BP will be unchanged and the protein will have washed itself from my kidney's.

About the beans. They look great. As of today their estimated weights are 4.9, 4.6, and 3.13 lbs. My goal is to keep them in until 36 weeks. That gives them 3 more weeks to plump up just a little more and to get their lungs into shape. I absolutely do not want these babies going to the NICU. They are measuring around the 50th percentile for a singleton. Dr. Stewart told me that his twins were born at 36 weeks and weighed 4.12 and 3.9. So, already my beans are bigger than one of his twins that had 3 weeks on mine. If the babies have to be delivered next week they will be fine. However, they will spend a little time in the NICU. Again, not my plan. While my brain tells me that everything will be okay. My heart is terrified.

Of course then I have the added wacky feelings. I love my belly. I love feeling them move. I'm not ready to lose that. Knowing this will be the only time I do this makes me wish it would never end. Truthfully, I'm not horribly uncomfortable. I'm not saying that my hips don't hurt and my back doesn't hurt, but it isn't anything I won't survive. I suppose part of me is selfish and not quite ready to share them with everyone else. We worked so hard to get them, I just want to keep them to myself. And of course, I have to go back to work. I'm not ready to be away from them. If they are in the NICU I will miss that time. And once they are born then I don't get to be with them all of the time anymore. I'm sure everyone is thinking oh Lord, she is going to be crazy. I promise I will work on that. If I can't fix it, I will turn to pharmaceutical methods to make sure I don't go nuts. :)

And lastly, today would have been my grandma's 83rd birthday. Happy Birthday Grandma.

31 Weeks and counting....

I think today's blog is going to focus on feelings.

I have so many things running through my head on any given day. Up until recently it was all of these crazy worries about the babies developing. Will we have a heartbeat when we go to the doctor? What will I do if we lose a baby? Are they developing correctly (4 chambers of the heart, intestines in the right place, two kidneys, two halves of the brain, etc..)? When will I feel them move? Okay, now I have felt them move, why aren't they moving today? Now the babies are fully developed and looking great. They are active and ornery. I really can't ask for anything more. However, the fears that were baby-centric have now turned inward. I now have this new set of fears and thoughts. I'm sure some of it has to do with being a first time mother. But, then again, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact we have three coming.

Things like: Will I be able to handle them? Am I going to go crazy? Will we be able to afford them? Is my husband going to get so overwhelmed by all of it that he runs? What were we thinking...we can't be parents? Parents of multiples have a higher divorce rate, will we end up divorced? We have been together 9 1/2 years how is this going to affect our relationship? Will I be able to breastfeed them enough? Am I going to be a good mom? How will I possibly give them enough attention?

I am extremely grateful for these three babies. I can't imagine not having them, but I would be lying if I didn't second guess our decision to transfer three embryos. Granted, we did that because the odds were against us. And quite frankly, it hurt thinking of our babies just dying in a petri dish and being tossed in the garbage.

I heard a quote from another couple with Quints...."we didn't ask for all these babies, but God has chosen us to be parents to them". That quote made me feel so much better. I was afraid I was the only one who had these kinds of feelings.

When I was working, I didn't have time to think about this kind of stuff. I was working 50 hours a week and sleeping when I wasn't at work. Now, laying on the couch, I have all of this time to sit and listen to my inner monologue. I'd like it to shut up, please.

Then of course there is the C-Section and hospital stay. I've never had a real surgery and I have never stayed the night in a hospital. I'm terrified of the epidural/spinal. Let us not forget the incision on the belly. Oh and I have to have a foley. Of course then I think of things like bleeding, DIC, and dying. Let's face it..women still die giving birth. Yes, it is rare. But, the US is somewhere in the middle just above some third world countries for maternal death.

Aren't you all glad you don't have to live with me...


Anyway, at the doctor on Tuesday everyone looked great. A and B had the hiccups while we were hooked up to the NST. Hiccups sound kinda weird on the monitor. C moved off of their monitor about every 5 minutes. Their strips looked great. Good variability and nice active kiddos. I will have another growth scan on the 15th. Everyone pray for fat babies. I'm still hoping for 5lbs each.

We have roughly 5 weeks left. I think we have everything we need. Things just need to be organized and stocked for their arrival. We will wait until the last minute so that everything doesn't get full of hair from the fur-babies.