Saturday, August 20, 2011

For a Moment...

This evening we ordered chinese for dinner. The delivery woman (who delivers here a lot) started talking to Derek. I was sitting on the couch feeding the girls their bedtime bottle listening to the conversation. She was talking about her wedding and her kids. Then BAM! we were gobsmacked. I realize she doesn't know that Charlie died. She started talking about how the girls would make him the scapegoat and that he would be the protector. Derek didn't correct her. I sat there listening with tears in my eyes holding his sisters. I could see how hurt Derek was, but he couldn't bare to correct her.

Once she left I asked Derek why he didn't correct her. He said that he just couldn't. Why shatter her image. Why make her sad. And then he said "to her, Charlie is alive". I started to cry. He was right. In her mind, he is alive. In her mind, he is crawling and playing with his sisters. In her mind, our lives were not shattered. In her mind, we aren't picking up those shattered pieces and trying to fit them together like a jagged puzzle. For a moment, everything was okay. For that moment we could pretend that he was alive. For a moment, life was the way it was supposed to be.

I wish it wasn't a moment. I wish it was forever.