You know, in the beginning, I struggled with breathing. I focused all of my energy on Emma and Kate. Maybe that is how I survived. By doing that, did I somehow neglect Charlie? I find myself fighting so hard to make sure people know he existed. That he is a part of our family whether he is on Earth or in Heaven. Then I stop, and I remember that every single conversation I had with people included him. I didn't let the doctors or nurses call the girls twins. I recall how I would sit at night and rock his little blue hat while sobbing. That little blue hat is one of the most important pieces of attire I will ever touch. It is the last thing to ever touch him.
So here we are, 20 months later. So much has changed. Yet, so much has stayed the same. The girls of course have exponentially changed. (more about them in a second) I have changed. I suppose I am a softer than I was in the early months. I'm not as angry as I was before. While I still wish Charlie had never died, I am not projecting that desire with every fiber of my body. My sense of humor is slowly coming back. I think the fog is lifting. I've felt that way for a few months now. That the haze was starting to dissapate. I don't know that I like that. Because no matter how hard I fight to make sure everyone knows Charlie was here and that he is part of my family, I feel like he is becoming less of a prescence. Maybe that is normal. Maybe -- just like every loved one who has passed, he will become a memory. It is so very difficult to explain.
Emma and Katie are just hilarious. They are smart (a little too smart), funny, sweet, ornery, and the lights of my life. I just can't imagine life without them.
Emma: has a pretty extensive vocabulary. She says: buh bye, hi, hello, kitty, doggie, moooo, "it's okay", awwww, cup, momma, daddy, "let's go", up, shoe, one, two, five, and high five, amen and probably others. She is ornery. She is the kid who will look straigh at you and spit her milk just because she can. She is funny. She is so animated. Like a little cartoon character. She is sweet. Emma is very caring. When Kate is throwing a temper tantrum she will walk over and rub her belly and tell Kate "it's okay". Emma is still throwing some monumental temper tantrums. Throwing her self in the floor and screaming. Throwing things. Screaming like a banchee when she is mad. Emma is stubborn-squared. I really think she got my families stubborness and Derek's stubborness. She loves to dance. She can't help it. A song comes on the iPhone and her little butt starts to wiggle. She can't control it. She loves music. Not just any music, but music with a beat or that is upbeat and peppy. A few of her favorite songs are Skrillex "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites", Fun "We Are Young", and a few other dub step genre songs.
Kate: has finally started talking! While her vocabulary is quite as extensive as Emma's she still says quite a bit: bye bye, hello, hi, cup, uppie, quack quack, moooo, kitty, dog, mommy, daddy, Emma, 'it's okay', shoe, awwww, one, two, amen and high five. She is so sweet. It is kind of ridiculous. She is a pleaser. She generally goes with the flow. She likes to run around screaming the funniest noises. But, like her sister she can be stubborn. She does lay in the floor and arch her back while pushing herself across the floor. Her big fits end up in her turning purple and passing out. I will never get used to that. It still scares the ever living crap out of us. Kate is also very shy. It takes her a good 45 minutes to warm up to you. Once she does, she is okay. She loves her stuffed cow during the day. When she is having a moment, she will go find her cow and carry it around. At night, she sleeps with Mr. Frog. She tucks her blanket and her frog under her belly and sleeps on them. She is still climbing on anything and everything. Once she tackles, Emma follows. she also likes to dance, but she isn't quite as wiggly as Emma. She enjoys the same songs as Emma, but also enjoys Micheal Jackson's "Billie Jean".
We have started praying at night before we go to bed. It has become part of our bedtime routine. I think it is so adorable to hear them each say "amen" when we are finished. Other things they enjoy: bubbles, finger paining, their water table, taking showers with mommy (thank goodness they don't realize what being naked is...yet), spitting milk everywhere, Yo Gabba Gabba (this show is like crack, it is the only tv they are allowed to watch), and taking walks with me in the evening.
I just cannot believe they will be 2 in four short months. I just don't know where the time has gone...