My poor poor Emma...

So, I noticed earlier this week that Emma felt warm. She had a low grade fever on and off from about Tuesday morning. She had also seemed to take forever to eat, so I knew something was brewing. My mom arrived on Friday night. I had to fight with her to get 3 oz down her and she refused to nurse at all. I took her temp and it was 101. Since I am on the conservative side, I called the on-call doc. He said to give her tylenol and bring her in the office Saturday morning. As I walked out the door I told my mom..."I hope we don't get admitted". Too bad that is exactly what happened. She slept in bed with me ( I swore I would never do that) and at 4:00 I gave her tylenol because her temp was 101.5. I fed her about 5 and changed her diaper. She didn't have another wet diaper until noon and didn't eat until 11 Saturday morning. So, we went to the ED hoping she would just get some labs drawn and maybe some fluids. They went ahead and did a chest x-ray which to everyone's surprise showed a small right uppper lobe pneumonia. So, off to the floor we went. She will most likely be here until Tuesday getting IV antibiotics. They were giving her fluids, but stopped those this afternoon. She continues to spike fevers of 101-102. They give a little tylenol and they come down for a bit. I think the fevers are more because of whatever virus has her than the actual pneumonia. Her lungs sound clear. No wheezing or fluid. She had a head to toe rash yesterday from the virus. It seems to be fading. When she doesn't have a fever she is her normal perky-happy-bright eyed self. When her fever starts creeping up her little eyes get glassy and you can just tell she doesn't feel good. I'm hoping we are about done with this. Watching her feel so icky is awful. It makes me feel so helpless.

Tree Lighting and Remembering Charlie...

We attended the Children's Tree lighting ceremony. Gerry and Marti Cowden (Derek's parent's friends) dedicated a blue light on the tree to Charlie and and a white light for each Emma and Katie. Derek brought the girls up to the hospital. I parked ourselves to where I knew we could see the tree. Just looking in the program and seeing my three babies names brought me to tears. I kept running my fingers over Charlie's name while I kissed my girls. There was a little Christmas program and then they lit the tree. Strange how the simple lighting of a tree has so much emotion tied to it when you know that a tiny piece represents the most precious parts of you. I sobbed. I leaned on Derek as we held our girls staring at that tree. Wishing I could go touch one of those blue lights just so I could touch Charlie in some manner.

Wednesday was the Remembrance Ceremony. It is a ceremony for anyone who has lost a child regardless of age. I had Charlie's name put in the program. They read off all of the names and chime a bell for each child. Hearing your child's name read by someone else validates they existed. As they read Charlie's name I looked at his picture. I kissed Emma and cried. I look at them and see how much they have changed and wonder where he would have been. Would he be as happy as they are? Would he smile as much as Katie does? I will never know.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

I'm rather excited about the babies first Christmas. To honor them we bought each of them an ornament we can put their picture in for the tree. Emma's is a tree, Katie's is a bear (I think), and Charlie's is an angel. I've also gotten other ornaments from people for them. I will be buying them both a special ornament with 2010 on it. But, I can do that later. We did their 2 month/Christmas photo shoot this weekend. I am in love with the pictures. This holiday season will be a busy one. Friday is the tree lighting at Children's. There are three lights on the tree that represent them. The following Tuesday is the Remembrance Ceremony at the Chapel. Charlie's name will be read. Then my mom is coming to visit. Then my inlaws will be back. That means I have to be prepared with gifts and what not really early. Christmas day will be all ours. We won't have to share them with anyone. The four of us will hang out in our jammies and snuggle as a family. I'm rather excited.

Emma

Katie

2/3 of my whole heart

Going Back to work...

Going back to work is horrible. I cried a lot in the days leading up to it. The anxiety was aweful. My first day back was the Monday before Thanksgiving. A few people were nice enough to treat me like a normal human being. However, the majority look at me as if I have four heads. I have heard "you look great" probably fifty times. People just don't know what to say. They all give me this look. It is hard to explain, but it certainly doesn't make me feel any more eager to be back. I've also been asked if I am staying probably a million times. People..if I leave you will find out when I leave. Why is it any of their business. What impact does it have on them...none. Mind your own damn business. If only I could say all of that to people. In my 4 month abscence not a thing changed. Everyone is still miserable. The silly bickering continues. However, I have changed. I don't care about this stuff. I go to work because I have to. Not because I want to. I do this job because I have to. Not because I want to. My perspective on life has completely changed. I don't have to patience for silly stuff anymore.

So, for now, I will keep my head down and stay focused.

Thanksgiving

I made Thanksgiving dinner. Our first as a family of 5. I cooked the usual Turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, corn, rolls, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Derek's family was all in town and came to our house for dinner. This was actually the first time I have ever cooked for his parents. No pressure or anything. The turkey was delicious. The meal in general was quite good. Or atleast that is what everyone said. The girls slept in their bouncy seats while we ate. Overall, it was a lovely evening. Until I finally let myself breathe. Unfortunately, it was while the family was still at the house. I went outside to talk to my sister and lost it. I was sobbing so hard and so loud that they could hear me inside. They left shortly after I came back inside.

Travel with newborns

My friends

My baby girls

so, I had to go back to work the week of Thanksgiving so, we decided to drive home for a weekend. What is normally an 8 hour drive took 11 hours with the girls. Quite frankly, they were wonderful. They slept or hung out in their carseats. It was the stopping to feed them every three hours that took up the bulk of time. Each stop took about an hour. Which then extended the trip and forced us to stop three times. However, overall, the trip was wonderful. We had a little open house for the girls so that my family and friends could meet them. I think for being who I am I did okay. I made sure everyone washed their hands and used hand sanitizer. I didn't let any kids hold them. I tried to relax and let things go. At the end of the day, the three of us layed on my mom's futon and snuggled. We were all worn out. On Sunday we went to Derek's mom for "Thanksgiving" with our families. It was a way for us to celebrate with my inlaws, Derek's grandparents, and my family. It really was nice looking around and seeing all of the people so important to us.

I visited Charlie three times while I was there. I could have slept there if they would have let me. The saddness is still so raw and overwhelming. We took him flowers and a picture of his sisters. I'm very appreciative of everyone who visits him. I struggle with knowing he is all alone and cold. On our way out of town we stopped one last time. Leaving him that day was as hard as leaving him the day we buried him. I layed on his grave wailing. My tears left a puddle on the dirt. I keep saying this, but I ache for that little boy. I want my three babies in my arms, happy and healthy.

We have a lot to be thankful for. This truly has been the best and worst year of our lives.

Charlie

I've decided to write a blog all about my little boy. One of the other "angel moms" as we are called, said someone once told her to write everything she could remember about her son down. So, that is what I am going to do with the idea that I will print it and put it in his scrapbook.

Charlie:

When we had our 19 week ultrasound I saw that Baby A was a boy. You stuck your little rear end right at the ultrasound tech.

At the next ultrasound at 21 weeks you had moved to the Baby B position and had your head touching Baby A's (Emma) feet.

At our 23 week ultrasound or the "Big Ultrasound" you were big and strong. You had long arms and long legs. You wiggled and moved and forced the ultrasound tech to chase you around.

At some point you and Baby C switched positions. As far as we knew you were still baby B. So, you started off at the bottom and ended up at the top. At our last ultrasound we saw you sucking your thumb. We have a picture of that. That was a week or so before you were born.

During all of our NST's you caused trouble. You were quite the mover and shaker. You kicked and rolled. You had the hiccups all of the time. In fact, it was you who I felt have the hiccups for the first time. I put my hand on my belly and could feel the rhythmic little jerks of your hiccups.

I could see you roll. I could see you kick. I patted you on the rear. I sang to you and talked to you. I called you my little buddy.

When they told me you had died, I cried so hard I threw up. I was devestated. In the last image of you in my belly I saw your heart had stopped beating. I kept saying over and over "what happened...what happened?" I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you had been so active and so vigorous and then gone. I still can't.

We didn't know that you were baby C. We assumed you were still baby B. When they pulled you from my belly and held you over the curtain I cried and said "oh buddy, I love you". Your daddy took a picture of you as the doctor held you up. You were beautiful. You were perfect.

The nurses never put you down. They rocked you and held you while they finished my surgery. Your daddy held you until I was wheeled into recovery. As soon as I was placed in recovery I asked for you. I held you for 8 hours. I wish I had held you longer. I wish that I had asked for you to be brought back to me. I was afraid, for that, I am so sorry. I feel like I failed you. I couldn't protect you.

I sang to you. I stroked your perfect little head and kissed you. I told you I love you more than the there are stars in the sky.

Your hair was long, thick, and almost black. You had my feet and hands. You had your daddy's lips, arms, and legs. You had my nose. You were the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen.

We took pictures of you. I look at them every day and every night. Sometimes, 3 or 4 times a day. I'm afraid I will forget what you looked like and how you felt. I hold the hat you wore and rock with it. It is the only thing you touched that I can touch.

Your daddy wrote the poem that we put in your funeral prayer card. Nothing we found was good enough for you.

We buried you with your two teddy bears, your soft blue blanket, a rosary, a cross made from palm, and a coin. I buried you in what was to be your coming home outfit. Khaki pants, a long sleeve blue onsie, your sweater vest, blue hat and socks. I was afraid you would be cold.

The day we buried you there was a double rainbow at sunrise as your daddy and I drove to the airport. I like to think it was you. It had rained in STL that morning. The wind blew and the sun came out only for your service. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to take your little casket and run as fast as I could and take you away.

I thought I was doing better until I had to leave you again. Afterall, your grave is the closest I will ever be to you until I join you in heaven. However as I layed on your grave wailing, I realized how much I miss you and how broken my heart really is. I only knew you for a short time, but you changed me. I will never be the same.

A poem that was sent to me:

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies she never did before
From now until she dies,she'll tell a whole lot more
Ask my mom how she isand because she can't explain,
She will tell a little liebecause she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is, She'll say "I'm alright"If that's the truth, than tell me,why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is,she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truthjust say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is sheshe'll lie and say she's fine
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Momwith all the lies you told!"- author unknown

I love you little boy

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is a big deal in the Haake house. It's only surpassed by Christmas. So, it was not a surprise that we dressed the girls up. They did pass out a few pieces of candy and went to two houses (our neighbor Jeff and Cheri's). Otherwise, they stayed inside sleeping through the trick or treaters.

Wow, a month old already....

Last Saturday the girls turned one month old. Where has the time gone?! At their last doctor's appointment Emma weighed 5lb 14oz (my birth weight) and Katie weighed 6lb 3oz. In one week they had gained 8 and 9 ounces, respectively. I hadn't realized how much they had really grown until I was looking back at their newborn pictures. Wow, what a difference. Not only have their appearances changed some, but their personalities have changed as well. Both are still pretty relaxed babies, but Emma has found her voice and is a little impatient. When she wants something she wants it right now. Katie patiently waits for whatever she wants. Unless, it is the middle of the night and she wants her binky. Yes, the binky. In general they don't want them much during the day. However, once the 9 pm feeding hits, they start getting tired and want them. I find it to be bizarre, but I would rather limit the binky to night time then all of the time. That being said, if they are super cranky (like they have been today) then I am okay with letting them have them. I've also noticed they are having longer wake periods. Poor Katie has reflux. I am suposed to give them a multi-vitamin, but that makes it worse for her. So, I give it to her every other day. She also is now taking Zantac. Oh, I hope it helps. The poor baby just screams. You know it hurts.

I'm enjoying the time with them. I only have a few more weeks left before I go back to work. I won't pretend I want to go back. I've always wanted to stay home with my children. I think it is important to give them that the first 5 or 6 years. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. Instead, Derek will be home with them until he finds suitable employment. I'm a litte angry/envious of that.

Last night we carved pumpkins for Halloween. We bought each baby a pumpkin. Emma's has a princess crown with an "E". Katie's is a lady bug (I call her Katie Bug) and Charlie's has his name and angel wings. We also bought a couple big ones. We will call those the "mommy and daddy pumpkins".

Our first week at home...

We have been home a week today. Truthfully, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to. The girls are on a pretty strict schedule. I think that has helped tremendously. The four of us have a little routine so far. Now mind you, their idea of a routine is eating and sleeping. However, we all seem to be adjusting fairly well. When we brought them home we introduced them to the dogs one at a time. As I suspected, the babies are not really our babies. They are actually their babies. Teaghan is peticularly protective. He gets quite upset when they cry. I will admit, once the babies were born the animals were knocked down the totem pole quite a bit. I never thought I would let that happen, but I suppose it is just the nature of things.

This weekend Derek's brother was married and all of his family came in to town. We had a parade of visitors all weekend. Additionally, my mom, Mike, Cass, and Scott were here visiting. Of course, I sobbed when my mom left. I really miss my family. Derek's parents just left. Derek went with them to grab dinner. All of the sudden my house seems very empty. It is just me and the girls. Feels strange.

How am I coping overall...it is hourly. Some days are better than others. This past week has been really rough. I'm not sure why, but it seems I have been crying more than not. The roller coaster of emotions is probably the hardest. I have these two amazing and beautiful little girls whom I adore. But, my heart still aches for their brother. I should be focusing on what I have and not what I don't. I am grateful that these girls are healthy and perfect, but some days it is very hard not to focus on the loss. I look at his pictures every morning and every night. Today I looked at the pictures we took of him and us in the hospital. He really was beautiful and just so amazing. I am sure with time that will become less frequent, but for now, it helps me. Tomorrow is going to be the first meeting of a support group for parents who have lost babies. I am hoping it helps.

I have a million pictures to upload and to email out, I will get to it. I promise.

The girls are going home...

It is hard to believe it has been two and a half weeks since our babies were born. Their stay in the NICU is almost over. Thank goodness!! Tonight Derek and I have a series of videos we have to watch. The girls have to pass a car seat challenge and then tomorrow once the docs round we will get to bust out of here.

The girls have changed so much already. Emma started out at 4lb 7oz. As of last night she was 5lb 1oz. Katherine started out 4lb 12oz. As of last night she was 5lb 4oz. Both have just about grown out of the preemie clothes. Not as much in weight but in length.

Derek and I were holding the girls last night and started talking about Charlie. We were wondering what he would look like. Would his personality be like the girls? The girls are so docile and easy going. Palliative care brought me the 3-D impressions they took of Charlie. I am so grateful to have them. I look at his pictures every day and now I can touch his hands and feet.

The best and worst day of my life...

You all know our beautiful babies were born on September 23, 2010. This day was the best day of my life and the worst day of my life. Our first daughter, Emma was born at 12:57pm weighing in at 4lb 7oz. Katherine, came at 12:58 weighing in at 4lbs 12oz. And our beautiful son, Charlie, was born at 12:59 weighing 3lbs 12oz.

The plan for that day was NST, lunch, and Dr. Stewart. We really had no reason to think anything was going to happen any differently. I was tired and moving slowly, but the babies seemed to be doing fine. They were moving and Baby B had the hiccups. We started our NST. Marty got baby A on the FECG, then baby B. When it came time to find baby C time seemed to stand still. She couldn't find him. She took us over to the ultrasound room where I heard the words "baby C has expired". Those words will forever be burned into my soul. Derek and I held each other and sobbed. Our vigorous and active little baby had died. What happened? That is all I could say. They called Dr. Stewart and he ran over to us. I called my mom. Within the hour we were going to meet our babies.

They took me to pre-op. Derek ran home to get our video camera and our camera. After all, we weren't planning on any of this happening. I remember filling out a ton of paperwork. They put in my IV and got me prepped for my c-section. I felt like I was in someone elses body.

Derek got to the hospital about 5 minutes before I walked back to the OR. He put on his garb for the OR. I walked back. They put in my spinal. And it was off to the races. Dr. Stewart pulled out each baby and showed them to me over the curtain. First was Emma, then Kate, then Charlie. All three were beautiful and perfect.

Derek filmed it all. They took all three babies to another room. Emma was fine. She didn't require any real additional assistance. Katherine was intubated and given a dose of surfactant. And Charlie was dressed in a little hat and gown for Derek to hold. Derek told me he sat and held Charlie until they wheeled me into recovery.

I sat with my perfect little boy in my arms. He was beautiful. He looked a lot like Katie. They think he rolled on his cord. His cord was small and short. They said when that when the cord is small it doesn't recover like a fatter cord. That he probably rolled and pinched it for just a second. They brought Emma in for us to hold. I held Charlie on one side and Emma on the other. Then they wheeled Katie in so we could see and touch her. We took a photo of the 5 of us. Our family. I held Charlie for 8 hours. Those were 8 of the fastest and most precious hours of my life.

Emma and Katie were transferred over to Akron Children's NICU. Emma went along for the ride more than for the support. Katie was given another dose of surfactant and extubated the next afternoon. They are doing very well. They are really just kind of hanging out in the NICU growing a little bit. I'm hoping their stay is going to be a short one, but they say plan on them coming home some time around their original due date. I go up to the NICU everyday and spend as much time with them as I can. When I am with them, my heart doesn't hurt. I tend to forget for just a little bit.

I stayed in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. We had a funeral for Charlie on Wednesday. My mom flew home to St. Louis on Friday. Derek and I flew home and buried him on Saturday. I feel like a third of me is missing. I keep wondering how you can miss something so much that you really never met. I hear the pain never really gets easier it just changes. You learn to stop focusing on the loss and redirect it. There are times I can't breathe thinking of Charlie. I ache for him. I am lucky, I still have these two amazing girls. They are amazing gifts and it is my job to take care of them and love them.

I'm going to keep posting to the blog. I'm not going to change the name. I carried and delivered three perfect babies. They will always be my three beans.

33 Weeks...Hopefully (keep your fingers crossed) 3 more weeks!

Today I am 32w6d...let's just pretend it is tomorrow and I am 33 weeks. Yesterday was a day I prefer not to repeat. Although, if I stop and look at the big picture it really is a minor bump in the road and quite frankly, it's amazing I haven't ended up there before. Where is there...well, it is Labor and Deliver Triage. Yesterday was my weekly NST (non-stress test). I wasn't worried. I know the beans are all doing well. I mean I feel them and see them move constantly. However, what I wasn't expecting was to start contracting. Now, I have been having some contractions for the past 2 weeks. BUT, they always stop and really not to worry about. However, yesterday as I am laying there all hooked up listening to the babies heartbeats race away, I started having rhythmic contractions. I was contracting every 6 minutes. Not crazy strong ones, but none the less. So, Marty, called Dr. Stewart and off to OB Triage I go. I got naked, hooked up to the monitor and was kinda hanging out. Still contracting. They had the nursing student come in and draw labs. I was impressed, didn't even leave a bruise (it helps that I know my anatomy and told her where to stab). Then they came in and gave me a shot of Terbutaline. This drug is used to stop premature labor. Made me feel like I had taken crack. I was shaky and jittery, but it stopped the contractions. Then the Resident came in and did a fetal fibronectin swab and checked my cervix. This test evidently is a predictor of pre-term labor. Thankfully, it was negative and my cervix is still long and tightly closed. I was sent home with oral Terbutaline just in case, but haven't had to take any yet. Good news, right?

Today I had a scheduled growth ultrasound. Now, I know the beans are fine. After all, they perform like little superstars in all of their testing. As I was sitting in the waiting room I could feel myself getting anxious. Why...who the hell knows. So, needless to say, my BP was pretty high when I went in. And to top it off I had protein in my urine. So, Dr. Stewart wants me rest over the weekend and try to get my head out of my ass. Then I get to go in Monday morning for a BP check. If the BP is still high and there is still protein in my urine I am being admitted for strict bed rest and monitoring.

This is my plan. Park it on the couch. Drink a crap load of fluids and devour an entire watermelon by Monday. In case you didn't know watermelon is a natural diuretic. Hopefully, the BP will be unchanged and the protein will have washed itself from my kidney's.

About the beans. They look great. As of today their estimated weights are 4.9, 4.6, and 3.13 lbs. My goal is to keep them in until 36 weeks. That gives them 3 more weeks to plump up just a little more and to get their lungs into shape. I absolutely do not want these babies going to the NICU. They are measuring around the 50th percentile for a singleton. Dr. Stewart told me that his twins were born at 36 weeks and weighed 4.12 and 3.9. So, already my beans are bigger than one of his twins that had 3 weeks on mine. If the babies have to be delivered next week they will be fine. However, they will spend a little time in the NICU. Again, not my plan. While my brain tells me that everything will be okay. My heart is terrified.

Of course then I have the added wacky feelings. I love my belly. I love feeling them move. I'm not ready to lose that. Knowing this will be the only time I do this makes me wish it would never end. Truthfully, I'm not horribly uncomfortable. I'm not saying that my hips don't hurt and my back doesn't hurt, but it isn't anything I won't survive. I suppose part of me is selfish and not quite ready to share them with everyone else. We worked so hard to get them, I just want to keep them to myself. And of course, I have to go back to work. I'm not ready to be away from them. If they are in the NICU I will miss that time. And once they are born then I don't get to be with them all of the time anymore. I'm sure everyone is thinking oh Lord, she is going to be crazy. I promise I will work on that. If I can't fix it, I will turn to pharmaceutical methods to make sure I don't go nuts. :)

And lastly, today would have been my grandma's 83rd birthday. Happy Birthday Grandma.

31 Weeks and counting....

I think today's blog is going to focus on feelings.

I have so many things running through my head on any given day. Up until recently it was all of these crazy worries about the babies developing. Will we have a heartbeat when we go to the doctor? What will I do if we lose a baby? Are they developing correctly (4 chambers of the heart, intestines in the right place, two kidneys, two halves of the brain, etc..)? When will I feel them move? Okay, now I have felt them move, why aren't they moving today? Now the babies are fully developed and looking great. They are active and ornery. I really can't ask for anything more. However, the fears that were baby-centric have now turned inward. I now have this new set of fears and thoughts. I'm sure some of it has to do with being a first time mother. But, then again, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact we have three coming.

Things like: Will I be able to handle them? Am I going to go crazy? Will we be able to afford them? Is my husband going to get so overwhelmed by all of it that he runs? What were we thinking...we can't be parents? Parents of multiples have a higher divorce rate, will we end up divorced? We have been together 9 1/2 years how is this going to affect our relationship? Will I be able to breastfeed them enough? Am I going to be a good mom? How will I possibly give them enough attention?

I am extremely grateful for these three babies. I can't imagine not having them, but I would be lying if I didn't second guess our decision to transfer three embryos. Granted, we did that because the odds were against us. And quite frankly, it hurt thinking of our babies just dying in a petri dish and being tossed in the garbage.

I heard a quote from another couple with Quints...."we didn't ask for all these babies, but God has chosen us to be parents to them". That quote made me feel so much better. I was afraid I was the only one who had these kinds of feelings.

When I was working, I didn't have time to think about this kind of stuff. I was working 50 hours a week and sleeping when I wasn't at work. Now, laying on the couch, I have all of this time to sit and listen to my inner monologue. I'd like it to shut up, please.

Then of course there is the C-Section and hospital stay. I've never had a real surgery and I have never stayed the night in a hospital. I'm terrified of the epidural/spinal. Let us not forget the incision on the belly. Oh and I have to have a foley. Of course then I think of things like bleeding, DIC, and dying. Let's face it..women still die giving birth. Yes, it is rare. But, the US is somewhere in the middle just above some third world countries for maternal death.

Aren't you all glad you don't have to live with me...


Anyway, at the doctor on Tuesday everyone looked great. A and B had the hiccups while we were hooked up to the NST. Hiccups sound kinda weird on the monitor. C moved off of their monitor about every 5 minutes. Their strips looked great. Good variability and nice active kiddos. I will have another growth scan on the 15th. Everyone pray for fat babies. I'm still hoping for 5lbs each.

We have roughly 5 weeks left. I think we have everything we need. Things just need to be organized and stocked for their arrival. We will wait until the last minute so that everything doesn't get full of hair from the fur-babies.

30w2d...only 6 weeks left!!!

Derek and I took advantage of the beautiful day today and went and attempted our maternity pictures. I can't believe I am putting them up for everyone to see, but ce la vie. Perhaps you will enjoy them. And yes, I edited out my stretch marks. I'm allowed :)

The babies are doing great. Moving and rolling all over the place. It cracks me up to look down and see how asymetrical the belly gets depending on who is where. Emma has been boxing my bladder. I'd like to say it is comfortable, but i'd be lying.

29 weeks and 4 days

Well, I believe week 4 of bedrest officially begins on Friday. Some days are rougher than others. Some days i'm quite lonely and get really under the weather. You would think oh...bedrest. That sounds fun. I can sleep and watch TV. Sure, it was fun for the first couple of days, but not so much after that. However, i am managing. I'm trying to stay optimistic and positive for the babies. The better my over all mental state the better off they will be. After all, it is all about the beans.

Last weeks doctor appointment went well. I lost a few pounds. Which means the fluid is leaving my tissue and there was no protein in my urine. That is good news. It is a sign I am thwarting off the toxemia. The blood pressure was the same. I'll take it! The same means it didn't go higher. I've put myself on a little stricter bedrest than the doctor prescribed. I've also really been trying to watch my sodium intake. I've also upped my fluid intake. It is so dang hard to get all 84 ounces of water in a day, but I do it most of the time. I let myself change it up with milk atleast once a day. Whooo....i'm living now. Today I had orange juice.

Tomorrow is my first NST (non-stress test). I feel so bad for the poor nurse who will be hooking me up. It should be sporty. As much as these guys move and wiggle. Monitoring them for a full 20 minutes should take some serious work.

For the most part I feel okay. It is getting harder to do silly things like get in the car. I get winded much easier. I'm managing though.

And because I know you all want to see...here is the belly shot from today. Derek and I will be doing ourselves a little maternity shoot, but I want to wait another couple weeks. Yes, those are some stretch marks, but considering there are 3, i'm thinking not so bad.

29w4d

By the way, the babies are pretty smooshed up in there, so there may not be ultrasound pictures of them anymore. They haven't been able to get shots of their profiles or faces. Poor babies.

Sigh...

This week marks the beginning of the weekly doctor appointments. I really need everyone to do some serious praying. The BP is still high and I'm scared. I think I am more worried than Dr. Stewart. I came in with elevated blood pressure. When I said to him last week..."i've never had hypertension" his response was, "Well, you have never had triplets either."

So, I did some google'ing and found that watermelon, citrus, and potatoes are suposed to help with hypertension. So, I will be gorging myself on those peticular foods. I am also eliminating every bit of salt I can in my diet. You don't realize what contains salt until you start trying to remove it. I've never been a fan in general, but that means no more pizza, chinese, etc. Derek may starve.

Aside from the hypertension the doctor appointment went well. It was a growth ultrasound. The highlight of the hour and 45 minute scan was seeing little Luke yawn. I have a picture of it, but I still haven't installed the new scanner. I'm so lazy. Anyway, Luke yawned. Little Emma looks great and our little bean David/Katherine is being squished. He/she is the still the smallest. The gap has gotten a little bigger. However, I still technically have over-achievers. They weigh 2lb 8oz - 2lb 13oz. "C" is in the 58th percentile (compared to a singleton) and the biggest of the three is in the 65th percentile (compared to a singleton).

My goal is still to keep them in until 36 weeks. I really do not want them to go to the NICU. For several reasons. Some obvious and some selfish. I will have to go back to work 8 weeks after they are born, I want to be able to spend every single second with them before I go back. I'm going to miss so many things when I go back. I can't stand the thought of it. It makes me queasy thinking about it.

I will be 29 weeks on Thursday. I will update you guys after the doctor appointment. Next week we begin non-stress tests. That should be sporty. As active and wild as these three are...oh that poor poor nurse who has to hook me up.

No more excuses....

I have no more excuses for being behind on the blog. I'm on modified bedrest as of last Friday. I knew it would happen, but I was hoping for atleast another month at work. I wanted to get through Nephrology training. But, we all know that things don't always work out that way. I'm determined to keep these guys in until 36 weeks. I will do whatever the doctor says. I will hang by the ceiling by my ankles if I have to. I will say, since laying on the rear end my legs and feet aren't nearly as swollen as before. And most of the swelling goes away now where before it really never did.
So far on bedrest I have watched endless hours of television. Lots of TLC, Discovery Health, and Food Network.
Okay, the pictures I am posting of the babies are about a month old. We go next week and I am hoping to get more of the 3D pictures. Also, keep in mind that I took a picture of the pictures. I haven't installed the new scanner on my laptop. The picture of me was just taken. I'm 27w1d.

27w 1d
Baby A (I believe this is Emma)

Baby C (as Bert calls "Mystery")

Baby B (I believe Luke...atleast that is the name today)

Whew...23 weeks!

Well, as you see i'm a little behind (again). This working 50 hours a week stuff sucks!
It's hard to believe, but it has already been two weeks since my shower. I had such a wonderful time at home. I really miss my family and my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends in Oh and in Tx, but I really miss my mom. In just a few weeks it will be 9 years since I lived at home. Strange how things change.

Anyway, the shower was wonderful. Jenny, Keri, and Cass did a great job. The theme was "3 peas in a pod". Jenny's husband made some very delicious food. We had stuffed clams, a delicious summer salad, tomatoes stuffed with chicken salad, veggies and dip, pretzels, and fruit salad. It was delicious.

Keri made the cutest little potted flowers. The pots were little white picket fences. So adorable.
Cass (and Derek) gathered a ton of pictures of me from when I was a baby. I only had one emotional outburst. A picture of me with my grandparents popped up. Cass pointed it out, I lost it. You would think that wouldn't happen. After all they have been gone for years. But, aside from just having the crazy hormone imbalances, I really still do miss them. But, these big life events make it harder. I wonder fairly frequently what they would be saying about the triplets. And now of course...the tears come.

Jenny had a friend make my cake. It was adorable. The topper was a pea pod with three little heads. So freaking cute.

Oh and a huge thank you to Jenny's mom and dad. They allowed the shower to be hosted in their brand new home.

I loved it. They really had me in mind when they were putting everything together. I'm so glad I have them as friends. I really am a lucky lucky girl.

The "big" ultrasound was last week. I'm happy to report that all three have 4 chambers of their hearts, good outflow vessels, nicely forming brains, 2 arms, 2 legs each, closed spines, and 3 vessel umbilical cords. We did get confirmation that one is a girl, one is boy, and one is our "surprise". The little girl has long legs and the other two have Derek's arms. Long monkey arms.
In the past two weeks I have started feeling them move. I can see my belly poke out with some of their moves. Poor Derek hasn't felt them yet. They stop moving the second he puts his hand on my belly. My mom has gotten to feel them and a co-worker has. Not Derek...poor daddy.
The other night I was laying on the couch with my feet propped up (it's the nightly ritual). I had the remote laying on my belly. Someone was not happy about the remote invading their space. It was hysterical to watch them kick it. I know I layed there for 20 minutes just giggling watching them and feeling them kick it. I'm not a fan of the rolling. It kinda takes your breath away.

I know my belly is getting bigger and rounder (had to buy new underwear), but since I see it all of the time I didn't realize how much bigger it has gotten. Until..I was looking into my cell phone. I send Cass a picture every other week of the belly. Well, I looked at a picture taken on the 16th. Okay, definately a round belly there. Then looked at the picture from Wednesday. Holy moley...it has really grown. My mom and Mike came up to bring the shower gifts up and to try and finish the new bathroom. They both commented how they had just seen me 4 days before and I had grown more since they saw me.
Does anyone know how to lessen the swelling in the legs and feet?

We bought a new scanner, so hopefully I will get some new baby pictures up soon. For now, enjoy the shower pictures.

Me and Keri
Jenny, Jenn, Keri

Three Peas in a Pod Hershy Miniature

Three Peas in a Pod Cookie

Casserole and Jenn

Opening Gifts

More Gifts

Posing with the cake

Food

The Three Peas in a Pod Cake

We're Half Way There....

20 Weeks!

It's hard to believe I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. I've started to feel them move around a bit. What I find fantastic is last night I went and bought the new Sarah McLachlan CD (we know I love her). Well, when I put it in my car that was when I felt them move really well for the first time. They love Sarah too!!

I have pictures from 19 weeks, but our scanner is broken, so I can't upload them :(

I will tell you we did find out we are having one of each. We will get confirmation of that on Wednesday at our "Big" ultrasound. This coming ultrasound will be atleast a 45 minute scan. They take all of the measurements of each baby. They look at the things I care about. Heart, brain, abdomen, etc. I will be so relieved to hear they have 4 chambers of their little hearts. I'm terrified of having a hypoplast. Not saying it would be the end of the world, but I don't want that for them.

So far, all is good. They seem to be quite happy in there and growing well.

This weeks development says:

Lanugo forms from sebum and skin cells to create vernix. This creamy white substance is believed to help protect the baby. It will cling to the lanugo and in the creases. This is also something that can be seen sometimes after the birth. Rumor has it that nursery nurses use it for hand lotion, because of its smooth, protective quality.
You may be aware of sleep wake cycles in your little one. The weight is now up to 10 ounces (283 grams) and the baby measures about 25 cms total length, about 9.8 inches. Many moms have an ultrasound at week 20. It may be your first peek at baby.




I hope to see everyone next week when I am home for the shower!

It's gonna be a long summer...

17 weeks!!! Wooooo Hooooo!!

I've decided Derek has pregnancy brain. He was getting me a glass of ice water just a bit ago and I heard the microwave go off. I assumed he was warming up a cup of coffee. Nope, he put my ice water in the microwave.

I broke down and turned on the air conditioner this week. The temperature has been getting up to about 80-83ish...now, prior to being pregnant it would need to get up in the the 90's before I would turn on the dreaded air conditioner. Not so much now. I get hot, my feet swell up. And no matter how naked I lay on the couch it isn't cool enough. So, I turned on the air. And a new and strange thing has began happening. I eat and my nose gets stuffy. Today I feel like the inside of my nose is swelling shut. Kinda freaky.

The belly is certainly getting round. When I went to the doctor on Wednesday I had gained a total of 14.5 lbs. I'd like to subtract one of those becuase by the time I got to the doctor I had already eaten my whole grain flat bread with peanut butter, and 40 oz of water. None the less, I'm not gaining a ton of weight. Certainly not so much for having triplets. I wonder if I will be kicked off my flight for the baby shower for being "too fat to fly"...hmmm

Let's see what is going on with the munchkins this week:
Your baby is forming brown fat deposits under his or her skin, by the end of pregnancy this will account for 2-6% of their total body weight. This will help them maintain their body temperature when they are born. The baby weighs in at about 5 ounces (142 grams). This means that the baby now weighs more than the placenta. No new structures have formed. Loud noises outside may actually cause the baby to startle.

Baby A--if you look you can see my hand on my head. I'm a little dramatic already.

Baby B-- See my nose, lips and chin and my cute little round head.


Baby C--Hi, I see you...can you see me?

A little behind...whoops!

Derek R. Haake, Attorney at Law

Okay, so...work took away the ability to look/edit blogs and by the time I get home at night I am so sick of looking at a computer that i've let myself get behind. I'm sorry.

So, I will be 16 weeks on Thursday. I'm feeling great. I certainly can't complain. My belly is getting round. When I lay down I can feel where the babies are. The top of my uterus is at my belly button. It's kinda of funny when I eat the belly really gets round. We met the new doctor last week. His name is Dr. Stewart. He is a perinatologist (high risk OB). I think i'm really going to like him. While getting our ultrasound he came in just to take a peek and say hello. Then we got moved into a room and he came in. The first thing he did was say hello. Sit down. And ask..what are your questions. Well, anyone who knows me knows that I have a list. This week was only 5 questions. He says he likes and expects questions and that he will take the time to answer them for us. He would rather us get the information from him than other people or google. He also made it very clear that I am to call him at any hour if I have concerns or questions.

Who wants to see the babies........

Baby A...still facing down. Nice side profile

Baby B..Hi, can you see my face?

Baby C..Hello, can you see my face and my body? If you look you can see my arms too.

When we had our ultrasound last week we learned the babies are certainly our children. They were not in the mood to have their pictures taken. They jumped all over the place. Arms were flailing and legs were flailing. It was so freaking amazing and funny to watch. We were just in awe. What should have been a 20 minute ultrasound took almost 40 because they just didn't want to play. Next ultrasound is next week.

Babies: Your baby may have developed the habit of sucking his or her thumb! The skin is very thin and you can see the blood vessels clearly underneath.
Your baby is about 70 grams. The scalp hair pattern is developing. And the heart is pumping about 25 quarts of blood a day. This will increase to about 300 at term.

Bye Bye First Trimester!

Your Baby: Week 13
Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords... savor this, their non-functional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body. Intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy. (Much more convenient.)

All twenty teeth have formed and are waiting (Teething is yet to come!). Your baby approximately weighs in at 1 ounce (28.3 grams). Consider that the placenta weighs about an ounce now as well.
Your baby's intestines are migrating from the umbilical cord into his or her abdomen. The villi are also forming in the intestines, these help in peristaltic movements and digestion. The pancreas of your little one is even secreting insulin! Meconium, the baby's first stool, is developing.

Wow, we are finally past the "danger zone". However, with multiples technically until they are born it is all a danger zone.

Our local Toys R Us is now going to be a combo Toys and Baby's R Us! Seems kinda silly to get excited, but now I don't have to drive as far to go endlessly walk around. I went in yesterday to see just what they had done (i didn't even know until I went to the craft store next door). Anyway, they had a boppy pillow that had a little pea pod with three little heads in it. It was so freaking cute.

I also bought a scrapbook so that I can start documenting the pregnancy. Yes, I have the blog, but I want something tangible for the babies. And something that I can safely store all of their ultrasound pictures and things of theirs.

Wow, they look like little babies....

Wow, that is all I can say. They are really taking shape of little people. All three look good and are growing appropriately. I feel great. What more can a girl ask for.

I will say today was a happy, but sad day at the doctor's office. Today was our last visit with Dr. Nash. However, he plans on checking in on us from time to time and wants to see us after the babies are born. I think he and his nurses were as sad to see us go as we were to be leaving. It sounds silly, but we've been through a lot with this office. They bring comfort when I'm ridiculously anxious. Which, happens to be every weekend before an ultrasound.

I will tell you there is nothing more calming than hearing the heartbeats surround you in the room. I'm so grateful.

Baby A. If you look closely you can see his/her spine and femur bone. He/she is in the same position as last ultrasound just bigger. Oh and flipped over. He/She is butt up instead of down this time.

Baby B. I tend to think this is actually Baby C, but for today he/she is baby B. He/she is head down. Poor thing is going to be kicked in the head by his/her sibling. How unfair is that.

Baby C. We got a little bit better of a picture this week. Still our biggest of the bunch. I did get to hear his/her haertbeat loud and clear today. Such a relief.

Whoop!

We have made it to the last week of our first trimester! I can't tell you how relieved I am. As far as I know, everyone is growing and doing fine. I read the other day that right now, for this short week, the babies move about 30% of the time! Now, that stops because that uses too much of their reserves, but still. Let's see what is going on with the babies this week...

Week 12:

The second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed. The baby's brain is not the same size it will be at birth, it does have the same structure. Bile is being secreted by this time. S/he weighs about 14 grams and is approximately 3.54 inches in total length.
Your baby has its reflexes and also practice movements in the digestive tract. All in preparation for extrauterine life. The babies are the size of a plum!!

Yesterday I got a wonder ful package in the mail with the cutest onsies. Thank you Jenn and Leanne! I'll post pictures of them probably over the weekend.

The nurse visit with the new doctors office went well. After Monday I will be released into Dr. Stewart's care. Just like with Dr. Nash, I will see him every two weeks for an ultrasound and exam. I believe at 24 weeks I will start having bi-weekly non-stress tests. That is where they hook you up to the FECG monitors and record the babies for a certain amount of time. It also lets them know if I am having any contractions. 24 weeks just doesn't seem that long when you stop and think of it.

I feel fine. I think I am having some ligament stretching in the groin. I notice that when I sit and go to stand and walk, I kinda limp along for the first 10 steps or so. I've also been having some little twinges in the uterine area, but from what I've read it seems that is stretching as well. I see Dr. Nash on Monday, I'll talk to him about it. I assume since the babies are the size of plums that there will be some stretching and pulling as we go along.

Next ultrasound is Monday. I hope we get good pictures of all three of them. I am especially looking forward to hearing Baby B's heartbeat loud and clear. He/she is the one who is pushed to the back. While we heard it last time, it was faint because of positon. Not as loud as the two up front.

I told my boss about the triplets last week. I was terrified! However, he already knew so it was a moot point. It seems someone who knew or overhead went and told him right after we found out. So, I was scared for nothing. I laid out my plan for when I am out on leave. He seemed to be okay with it. I now have to just make sure I deliver what I say.

On a sad note, today we lost Derek's grandpa. It was expected, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. He was very excited about the babies and we will make sure they know all about him. RIP Papa

11 Weeks!

A few things to talk about today. First, let's see what is going on with the beans this week.

Babies: The iris will begin to develop this week and finger nails appear! Your baby weighs about 7 grams.

I believe they are now fetus's instead of embryo's. That's exciting! Additionally, we are nearing the end of our first trimester. That just seems amazing to me. I'd like to say that time has flown by, but for me it's kinda ticked away slowly. I don't worry quite as much as the little beans are growing and all look wonderful. But, right before an ultrasound I still get a little anxious. Currently, I am sick. I'm fairly certain it is allergies. The trees...oh the damn trees.

No more morning sickness to speak of. Not quite as tired during the day, but I still pass out by 9:30 most nights.

One last bit of change, we only have one more appointment with Dr. Nash :*(
I'm sad about this. He has gotten us through so much. The heartache when all of the IUI's didn't work. The emotional roller coaster of IVF. But, he doesn't deliver the babies he just makes them. So, off to the new doctor we go. His name is Dr. Stewart. He's a perinatologist (high risk doc) who specializes in multiples. I have my first appointment with his nurse today. I hope he is as understanding of my lists of questions and craziness as Dr. Nash was.

We're growing!

Here we are at our 10 week ultrasound. The babies are all measuring about the same. Today we are 10w4d. They are certainly getting bigger. Baby A is front and center. Baby C is fairly close, but head down. And poor baby B has gotten pushed to the back. C is going to be our camera shy little sprout. They are really starting to look like babies. We could see their hands and feet this morning. Or as Derek put it, their paws. My belly is certainly growing. I was reading in my multiples "bible" last night. I have to gain another 25lbs before we are 20 weeks! That means I have 9 1/2 weeks to gain 25lbs. That's going to be tough. Especially, since everything I should be eating is full of nutrition. Sure, I could eat McDonalds every day, but I don't think that is what the beans need.

If your looking at this, please be a follower. I like seeing who is looking and reading about us. Also, feel free to leave comments. We enjoy those too :)



Baby A
Isn't this the best picture! His/her heart rate was
160 bpm. If you look closely you will see the outline
of the head, legs, belly and back. We did get to see
his/her feet and hands. This is our camera hog.

Baby B
Poor little bean has been pushed to the back by
his/her siblings. You can he/she is head up, but
we didn't get a great picture this week.


Baby C
Again, not camera shy. He/she is head down.
And shares the spotlight with A. If you look to the
right you can see two little dots, I believe those are
A's hands. C's heart rate was 175--if you believe in
wives tales then you know what that means :)

10 Weeks!

This week the babies:

Enter their fetal period. The average size is approximately 27-35 mm crown to rump length (CRL), or 1.06-1.38 inches. S/he weighs in at 4 grams, or 4 paper clips. Tiny toes have formed. The eyes are largely open, but the eyelids are beginning to fuse, and will stay that way until 25-27 weeks. External genitalia is beginning to differentiate. External ears are formed, as is the upper lip. The biggest accomplishment this week is the disappearance of the tail!

Our next ultrasound is on Monday. I always get nervous before we go in for an ultrasound. I keep wondering when the anxiety will go away. I suspect the anxiety will never go away. It will just change as they change. I know I am about to be 31 and my parents still worry about me.

The trees are blooming out in Ohio. I've been here long enough that my allergies have started to kick in. I can feel the sinus pressure and my ears and bugging me. I really hope this is just a mild case this year and it goes away quickly. Otherwise, I feel fine. The morning/all day sickness is less and less. Still tired, but perhaps if I slept like a normal person that wouldn't happen as much.

Derek has been busy trying to find stuff for the babies. He found some essential gear from a couple who had twins. It was all like brand new. We paid less than $150 for 2 swings, 2 carseats, and 2 bouncy seats. I won't use the car seats, but I can certainly donate them or sell them to someone else in need.

April Fool's!

Happy April Fools Day!!!

Today we are 9 weeks.

Let's see what is happening with the babies...:We have elbows! Your baby is now approximately 13-17 mm (let's remember ours are 19-20.8mm as of Monday. I think these numbers are off)crown to rump length, or about 0.51 - 0.66 inches. S/he also weighs in at 1 gram! Toe rays are present as the toes begin to form. Gonads have become testes (for boys) or ovaries (for girls). Baby will move away if touched through the uterine wall, and can spontaneously move as well. Ossification (hardening) of the bones may begin.

Grow Babies Grow

Went to Motherhood Maternity last night to find a pair of jeans. Mine are a little tight and I thought perhaps I should investigate some options. That was just a weird experience. First when the sales woman found out it was triplets she started laughing and crying. Then she handed me these jeans and said "let's put three of the bellies in there" . I thought okay, sure. Looking at yourself with this enormous "belly" when you thought you would never have one let alone three is just bizarre. We did buy a pair of jeans and a belly sleeve. The belly sleeve is like a soft stretchy belt that helps you wear your clothes longer. I'm not really ready for the full out maternity pants, so I'm hoping this thing works. We'll see tomorrow. It's jeans day at work. I love jeans day.

Everyone have a lovely day.

Good Morning Little Beans

Baby A

Baby B--you can really make him/her out. See the head, back, and little rump! The little circle by his/her back is the yolk sack. If you look at two weeks ago the yolk sacs were twice the size of them.

Baby C

Yesterday was our second ultrasound. It was so very cool. They are starting to look like little babies. Additionally, we heard all three of their heartbeats. I thought I would cry, but I think I was so relieved all three were growing and doing well, that I just absorbed what I was hearing. We recorded Baby B's heartbeat. I've tried to get it to upload, but so far no sucess.

I'm still having minor morning sickness. It comes in waves. Friday was the worst it has been. I was sick on and off all day. Crackers and sprite were a beautiful thing. I've gained 4lbs, but I think since I lost 7lbs or so, that really that isn't too bad. Today we are 8w5d. Yesterday each of the babies were measuring 19-20mm. That's an inch!

We played the heartbeat for the animals. Kieran was fascinated by it. She kept trying to figure out where it was coming from. I worry she is going to have the hardest time. She's so spoiled and so tempermental.

As Dr. Nash said yesterday...i'm so glad we proceeded with this.

Week 8 Babies: will be about 8-11 mm CR by the end of the week (uhm..we have super babies. They were 19-20 mm). The baby's hind brain is clearly visible. This week the baby's gonads will become either testes or ovaries. And spontaneous movement begins! Elbows appear and the process of ossification (hardening of the bones) begins. Toe rays become present, almost ready for you to count!

I will be 9 weeks on thursday. Stay tuned.

End of the week...

We've known now for a week that we are having triplets. Most days it doesn't seem real. That being said, some of those "symptoms" I was so worried about have started. Everyday between 1-3 is torture to stay awake. I ended up coming home and taking a nap every evening. I've also been having some morning sickness. Except it is all day sickness. It comes in waves. Not too terrible. I've been sucking on mints or eating goldfish crackers. They seem to help.

Every once in a while I have those funny little thoughts that creep into my head. Are they okay in there? Do we still have 3 little hearts beating away? Are they growing like they are suposed to? I keep telling Derek I need a little window into my uterus so I can see what is happening. I assume this is normal, but I do tend to just worry about the most bizarre things on a good day.

We did make our first purchase for the babies. Diapers :) Baby's R Us was having a deal where you buy 2 boxes of diapers and get a $20 giftcard. Buying them at Baby's R Us probably made the diapers a little more expensive than had I bought them at Bj's or Sam's, but I did the math and we still came out about $15 ahead. I figure we should stock up on these practical things. We can always return them if the babies are allergic to them or they grow out of them too fast.

This week the babies: Will develop their second set of kidneys! Their hand plates develop. And their little genital tubercles forms. By the end of the week they will be 7-9mm long! That's almost an entire centimeter.

Pictures

My Meds

The earliest baby pictures you will ever see. Look at those chubby cheeks :)

Baby A

Baby B (although this is really just his/her sac)

Baby C