Thursday, March 31, 2011

No really..they are 6 months old

Emma Katie
So, not only are the girls 6 months old, but they are changing so very rapidly. neAs previously mentioned, Miss Emma has two teeth. Little super star of a kid. Miss Katie I believe will be following suite shortly. She has been drooling and knawing on her thumbs. She thinks it is pretty nifty to chew on her binky and pull it out so it makes a popping noise. They continue to eat veggies and fruits. As of this evening they have eaten: Peas, Green Beans, Sweet Potatoes, Carrots, Bananas, Pears, and Peaches. We have Squash, Apples, and Prunes left to try. We are working on eating from a spoon. Some days they would rather lick the spoon than actually eat it off the spoon. But, we are working on it. I was looking back at the pictures from they day they were born. I am utterly amazed at how much they have changed. Not only in size, but features. Their personalities have really started to blossom. Emma is a little more reserved. She is happy to keep to herself and play with her feet and her various toys. Katie likes to be entertained a little more. She is generally happy. She smiles at almost everyone. They still only laugh at Derek and I, but I'm okay with that. I'm selfish. I will admit it.

Today I made arrangements to go design Charlie's headstone. Never in a million years would I ever think I would have design a headstone. I supect nothing will ever be good enough for him.

I love/hate my new life. I adore my girls, but I hate that not having Charlie is part of my norm. I hate that being all consumed with grief is now embedded in my core. I hate that he isn't here with us. I hate that he never got to feel my touch. I hate that we never saw him smile. I hate that he will not grow up with his sisters. I love that I have these two girls I get to love and nurture. I love that when I walk in the door they both smile as if I am th greatest thing that has ever happened. I love watching them grow and change. I love that when they are sad I am the only one who makes it better.

We leave in two weeks for STL. First time flying with the girls. Should be sporty.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Half a Year old and Easter...Take 1

Happy Easter


This week has been a huge day in the Haake house. First, I took their first set of Easter pictures. We will be having other done while in STL, but I wanted Charlie to be in some too. I suspect they will have lots of fun and cutesy stuff awaiting them while in STL.

Two big events this week: They turned 6 months old yesterday and miss Emma is getting 2 teeth. No, not just one. She has to continue to be the over-achiever and get 2. Now, most parents would think that was awesome. Then there is me. I am not excited. I am not wanting them to be six months old already. I am certainly not ready for teeth. Because I am gone all of the time working I feel like I have missed out on so much stuff. Especially these really big things. One of the big things I missed is Kate rolling over. And because she is stubborn (really, why would one of my kids be stubborn) she hasn't done it again. Yesterday I sobbed when I found those two teeth. Derek looked at me like I had four heads. I was just devistated, but of course promptly called everyone and posted a picture on facebook (broken, I think so).

Like everything else these things are bittersweet. My mind always says "YaY the girls did this really cool thing and then I wish Charlie was here too and I wonder if he would be doing this". And the tears start to flow. I also stopped pumping as of last night. I wasn't producing much, but I still wasn't ready. It is another one of those things I have to grieve for. Nursing is something I really wanted to do. More than once I wanted to throw in the towel, but I didn't. I was determined to pump and get them through RSV season. While I accomplished that, I'm still very sad.

This morning I was standing in the shower and just busted out in a wailing sob. Not sure why, but I did. Then I opened my laptop and sobbed because I have Charlie as my wallpaper. Then I started crying driving into work for no real reason. I guess today is the day to cry. Damn it!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Happy St. Patty's Day

Thursday is St. Patty's day. I can't help, but stop and reflect on how my life has changed in the past two years. On March 17th, 2009 I was laid off. Yes, I was laid off on St. Patty's day. After a night of boozing, I woke up realizing this isn't the end of the world. Fast forward a St. Patty's 2010 I had just found out we were expecting triplets. And now this St. Patty's day..I have carried a pregnancy to 34 weeks, lost a son, and relished in every moment of my daughters. The drastic changes of life are rather astounding.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I Should Have Been Happy

I sit days upon days thinking about all of the things I wish I could change. The most obvious being having Charlie with us. I sit and think, perhaps God is punishing me because I was greedy. I wanted children, so I did IVF. It wasn't enough to transfer two embryos, I transferred three becuase I couldn't stand the idea of one being just tossed in the hazardous waste. Then while pregnant with triplets, I wanted just one more baby. Why couldn't I be happy with what I was given. Is God punishing me for being so greedy and always wanting more? Of course, everyone says...oh no that is not it. Charlie rolling over on his cord was just a freak accident. I want to scream at them "don't you understand I can't accept that!". I supose I should add this to my list of things I did wrong for Charlie.

My neighbor said to me via facebook "why don't you quit your whining and be happy for the blessings you have." Who says I am not happy for my blessings. My blessings are my reason for breathing. If it weren't for my girls, I wouldn't be here. I adore my girls with every fiber of my being. However, that does not make me miss or love Charlie any less. It doesn't take away the pain of losing him. And it certainly doesn't make my heart ache less for him. Until someone has walked in these shoes, they should keep those kinds of comments to theirselves. They have no idea what they are talking about.

Next week the girls turn 6 months old. My heart is already starting to hurt. I dread those milestones because inevitably my thoughts turn to Charlie and that he isn't celebrating that milestone too. He will forever be frozen on September 23, 2010. He will never smile. He will never laugh. He will never cry. He will never know the touch of my lips on his. He will never know the tunes I hum to soothe. He will never feel me rocking him in my arms. He will never hear the words, I love you.

I am so very thankful to God for my amazing girls, but I hate Him for taking my son.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

5 Months!


My Princesses

I find it so very difficult to believe that it has been five months since my three beans arrived. This past few weeks has been increasingly difficult. On the 23rd of course is their birthiversary. The 25th is the day we found out we were pregnant. Coming next week is the anniversary of when we found out there were three. I suspect this will happen from here on out. Lots of these kinds of moments. With every accomplishment the girls make, I wonder if Charlie would have been doing the same.
Things the girls have been up to:

Emma is right on the cusp of rolling over from front to back. She talks all of the time. She laughs at her daddy (she finally laughed at me last night). She is amazing to watch with her hands. She grabs her feet. Grabs any toy she can get. Plays her piano. And she is trying to hold her bottle (not for its intended purpose).

Katie rolled over from her belly to back this week. She laughs. She is finally talking up a storm. She is almost sitting up with help. She has figured out how to put her binky in her mouth all by herself. She also enjoys playing with her toys.
Together they have discovered each other. I find them holding hands a lot and they lay in their crib and talk to each other. As I sit here typing, Katie grabbed Emmas hand. Sadly, they like to watch TV. They like the flashy brightness to it. Oh, and they love to rub blankets over their faces. I've noticed they have started rubbing their eyes when they are tired and snuggling with blankies. They are just so amazing.

Still not fans of cereal, but I keep trying. They stopped nursing there for a while. Then randomly today, I got Katie to nurse. Just as I was ready to throw in the towel for pumping. My goal was 6 months. I am roughly 18 days from reaching that goal. As my boobs start to give out, and I start to mourn yet another thing I was so looking forward to...I think Katie just knew I needed that.