Sunday, February 12, 2012

Valentine's Day

Katie, Charlie, and Emma

Valentine's Day 2012

I'm sitting here thinking about what Valentine's Day means to me. Before 2010 it meant nothing really. It happens to be my BFF Paula's birthday, but otherwise, it wasn't a big deal. Then Valentine's Day 2010 happened. That was the day we saw our three little babies for the first time. They were 2 - 6 celled embryos and 1 - 8 cell embryo. They were the most beautiful balls of cells I had ever seen. Carefully, our doctor transferred from their petri-dish to my womb. When it was all finished, I laid on the gurney. Derek and I staring at the first photos of our children. On that day Valentine's Day became special to me. A day that I will treasure for the rest of my life. For that day, I became a mother. Or at least, had the potential to become a mother.

Fast forward to last year's Valentine's Day. That day was filled with emotion. It had only been 5 months since the birth of the babies and the death of our little prince. I was so sad. So very sad as I reflected on the feelings I had that year before. You see, as I layed on the gurney looking at those pictures, I was so hopeful. I was also so very terrified. That we would either not get pregnant at all or lose one or two of our little embryos. Not ever thinking that exact thing would happen 8 months later. That our second Valentine's Day as a family would be missing one of those balls of cells.

As Valentine's Day this year approaches, I have some of the same feelings. Feelings of joy and sadness all intertwined. I suspect it will come and go without incident. We will celebrate the best we can. Maybe I will gather enough courage to look at those pictures again and try to go back to that day. The day full of joy, hope, and naivety.