I think today's blog is going to focus on feelings.
I have so many things running through my head on any given day. Up until recently it was all of these crazy worries about the babies developing. Will we have a heartbeat when we go to the doctor? What will I do if we lose a baby? Are they developing correctly (4 chambers of the heart, intestines in the right place, two kidneys, two halves of the brain, etc..)? When will I feel them move? Okay, now I have felt them move, why aren't they moving today? Now the babies are fully developed and looking great. They are active and ornery. I really can't ask for anything more. However, the fears that were baby-centric have now turned inward. I now have this new set of fears and thoughts. I'm sure some of it has to do with being a first time mother. But, then again, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact we have three coming.
Things like: Will I be able to handle them? Am I going to go crazy? Will we be able to afford them? Is my husband going to get so overwhelmed by all of it that he runs? What were we thinking...we can't be parents? Parents of multiples have a higher divorce rate, will we end up divorced? We have been together 9 1/2 years how is this going to affect our relationship? Will I be able to breastfeed them enough? Am I going to be a good mom? How will I possibly give them enough attention?
I am extremely grateful for these three babies. I can't imagine not having them, but I would be lying if I didn't second guess our decision to transfer three embryos. Granted, we did that because the odds were against us. And quite frankly, it hurt thinking of our babies just dying in a petri dish and being tossed in the garbage.
I heard a quote from another couple with Quints...."we didn't ask for all these babies, but God has chosen us to be parents to them". That quote made me feel so much better. I was afraid I was the only one who had these kinds of feelings.
When I was working, I didn't have time to think about this kind of stuff. I was working 50 hours a week and sleeping when I wasn't at work. Now, laying on the couch, I have all of this time to sit and listen to my inner monologue. I'd like it to shut up, please.
Then of course there is the C-Section and hospital stay. I've never had a real surgery and I have never stayed the night in a hospital. I'm terrified of the epidural/spinal. Let us not forget the incision on the belly. Oh and I have to have a foley. Of course then I think of things like bleeding, DIC, and dying. Let's face it..women still die giving birth. Yes, it is rare. But, the US is somewhere in the middle just above some third world countries for maternal death.
Aren't you all glad you don't have to live with me...
Anyway, at the doctor on Tuesday everyone looked great. A and B had the hiccups while we were hooked up to the NST. Hiccups sound kinda weird on the monitor. C moved off of their monitor about every 5 minutes. Their strips looked great. Good variability and nice active kiddos. I will have another growth scan on the 15th. Everyone pray for fat babies. I'm still hoping for 5lbs each.
We have roughly 5 weeks left. I think we have everything we need. Things just need to be organized and stocked for their arrival. We will wait until the last minute so that everything doesn't get full of hair from the fur-babies.