Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I think every parent who has ever had their child die wonders this very quesion; why us? I know I did. I do. The wondering has become less frequent and is usually trigger by an event, a comment, or something of that nature. Such is the case today. Today, one of my FB friends made a comment on another users page. This page happens to be a couple who was expecting quads. Well, the quads were born today. All alive. All fine. They also happened to be delivered by the same doc who delivered me. It happened...the anger, the hatred and the saddness became all consuming. It only took a milisecond. I couldn't breathe. So why, why does this couple get to have all four of their babies survive and we lost Charlie. I'm sure she did everything to keep her little ones in as I did too. I'm sure her babies were as wanted as ours. So, what makes her so special that all of her children survived and mine did not. Don't misunderstand my anger at our life/situation as me wishing one of her children had died. The thought of another family feeling the way that I do is appaulling. I would never wish this on anyone. To say that life isn't fair is the understatement of the year. It isn't. I know this. Regardless of what my brain knows, my heart doesn't listed. For even though it has a thick scab on the wound that losing Charlie left, it still splits open from time to time. Being it is Christmas time, that scab has worn thin. It is starting to bleed. I think Christmas is going to be a lot of fun this year. It has certainly been a joy to watch the girls delight in the Christmas tree and all of the decorations. I imagine he would have been saying the lights are "cute" just like Emma and saying "oh wow" just like Kate. Maybe he would have had some other word for his joy. I don't know. I will never know. I hate this. I hate this journey. I hate that our son died. I hate...I hate...I hate..I hate. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much I hate. It doesn't matter how much I wish. This cannot be undone. I can't wish it away. This is reality.