I have been obscessing about finding pictures of the girls with Dr. Stewart and Dr. Nash. They seemed to have just disappeared. Finally, we found them. I was relieved and then I was sad. I just sat here looking through 500 pictures of the girls from their first few days of life outside my belly. The first picture in the series was a photo of me the day after they were born. Laying in my hospital bed. My belly was deflated. I was so sad and defeated. Sadness seeping out of every pore. There were all of these pictures from their first days. Pictures and moments I don't remember. I had forgotten how they looked when they were first born. I had forgotten about the places where their IV's were. I had forgotten how much Katie and Charlie looked alike. I just became sad. I'm sad because they are growing up. They aren't looking like babies. They are looking like little girls. I'm sure every mother goes through this with their children. I don't believe I am unique in many ways.
I find it so hard to believe that it has been 9 months since our lives took a 180. In just a few months they will 1. One year since the lights of our lives were born. One year since our hearts were irrevokably broken.
Last weekend I needed to get out this ball of saddness that was deep in my gut. So, as I was driving home from therapy I turned on "the song". The song that most reminds me of Charlie. I started to cry. I started to sob. Then, out of no where, the screams. I screamed so loud and from a place I can only describe as the pit of my being.
The bad days are fewer and a little further in between. The good days are more and more. I find myself able to laugh again. I allow myself to be happy even when I don't want to. Slowly, I am healing.