Oh the holidays are here...Shit!

I've decided this year is more difficult than last year. How is that possible, last year we were only 9 weeks out from losing Charlie and caring for our two newborns. I mean, I made Thanksgiving dinner and then sat outside and sobbed (very loudly I might add). Well it is. I think last year everything was so new. I think for the most part we were still in the Hell, I mean shock. We went through the motions. Tried to be happy while screaming on the inside and sometimes on the outside. This year everything has set in. I have accepted this is and will forever be our lives. We will always miss him. We will always love him. We will always take joy in our girls. We will always love them (kinda sounds like a Whitney Houston song). But, no matter how fucking pissed off I get and demand that we rewind time and blah blah blah. It isn't going to happen. So now, I think it's a little more real. We can physically feel the void. It turns out, according to my therapist, that this is normal. Who knew we were that either. Hmmmm

Regardless of how much I miss him I am still thankful for so many things. I am thankful for:

1. My husband. While he drives me insane (I'm sure the feeling is mutual) some times, I adore him. I don't know of any other couple who would have survived all of the shit we have and still come out okay on the other side.

2. My girls. They are funny, smart, and just plain adorable. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me happy. They make my heart melt with their smiles and belly laughs.

3. My mom. As i've gotten older, I realize she really did know a lot more than I thought (insert..I told you so). While she is my mom, I think of her as more of a friend. This past year she has really been instrumental in my survival.

4. My sister. I hate that I don't get to talk to her very often, but I know she is busy. I hope she knows how much I love her. I know I don't tell her nearly enough.

5. My friends. I hve a wonderful group of friends. They love me for me. They understand that I don't have a ton of time to talk on the phone. I hope they know how much I love them.

So, as this holiday season comes and goes, I plan on reminding myself of what I do have. It is hard not to think of what is missing, but I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Everyone have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.