I Should Have Been Happy

I sit days upon days thinking about all of the things I wish I could change. The most obvious being having Charlie with us. I sit and think, perhaps God is punishing me because I was greedy. I wanted children, so I did IVF. It wasn't enough to transfer two embryos, I transferred three becuase I couldn't stand the idea of one being just tossed in the hazardous waste. Then while pregnant with triplets, I wanted just one more baby. Why couldn't I be happy with what I was given. Is God punishing me for being so greedy and always wanting more? Of course, everyone says...oh no that is not it. Charlie rolling over on his cord was just a freak accident. I want to scream at them "don't you understand I can't accept that!". I supose I should add this to my list of things I did wrong for Charlie.

My neighbor said to me via facebook "why don't you quit your whining and be happy for the blessings you have." Who says I am not happy for my blessings. My blessings are my reason for breathing. If it weren't for my girls, I wouldn't be here. I adore my girls with every fiber of my being. However, that does not make me miss or love Charlie any less. It doesn't take away the pain of losing him. And it certainly doesn't make my heart ache less for him. Until someone has walked in these shoes, they should keep those kinds of comments to theirselves. They have no idea what they are talking about.

Next week the girls turn 6 months old. My heart is already starting to hurt. I dread those milestones because inevitably my thoughts turn to Charlie and that he isn't celebrating that milestone too. He will forever be frozen on September 23, 2010. He will never smile. He will never laugh. He will never cry. He will never know the touch of my lips on his. He will never know the tunes I hum to soothe. He will never feel me rocking him in my arms. He will never hear the words, I love you.

I am so very thankful to God for my amazing girls, but I hate Him for taking my son.