Charlie's Headstone...

Today we had to create the last piece of our son. We went to go design his headstone. This permanent granite stone will tell whomever walks past him who he is and what he meant to us. Nothing, I mean nothing will ever be good enough for him. I didn't want something generic. I couldn't stand the idea of simply having an angel or a teddy bear on the stone. So, he will have a pea pod and a whale on his stone. Along with a phrase "We loved you yesterday. We love you still. We always have...and always will" I saw this phrase and it struck me. I didn't want a biblical verse. I didn't want some generic "our angel". Like I said, nothing will ever be good enough for him. He didn't get a chance to like anything. He didn't get a chance to have favorites. So, we chose two symbols that were representations of him. Symbols that have meaning. The pea pod is because from the moment there were 3 embryos I called my three beans. Their birth announcement was supposed to be the three of them in their special hats in a pea pod my mom made for them. I haven't been able to look at that since Charlie died. The second is a whale. If you go to Charliesleaf.org you can read Derek's poem. While I was pregnant he used to speak "whale" to them. The first time he felt him kick was while speaking whale. This entire experience has been awful. The cemetary hasn't been peticuarly helpful and has certainly made this far more difficult than need be. I am still hoping we will have his stone in place by the time we go home in 2 weeks. I want to have a small ceremony with just us and our families. Nothing official. Just those around him who love him. I wish none of this ever happened. I wish I wasn't writing this entry. I hate whoever made the decision to take our Charlie from us. Or any of the babies taken from their parents.