Charlie's Headstone and STL

Charlie's Headstone
Ready for the SHARE Angel Ball

My family

Last weekend we took quite the adventure. We flew to STL for the weekend. The girls did an absdolutely amazing job on the plane. In spite of being way off their schedules, they slept and played. A few of the passengers didn't even realize their were babies on the plane.

The first place we went after landing was to see our Charlie. We confirmed his stone would be in place and inquired about a few things. When we pulled up we saw they had dug another grave. There was another little boy being buried on Friday. We spent a few minutes with Charlie before we headed out to my mom's. I got on my knees and kissed the dirt. That is the closest to kissing him I can get. When I talked to the owner of the cemetary, he told me there is about 18 inches of dirt on top of Charlie. The first thought...I could easily unbury him with my hands and run with him. I won't do that. No matter how much I would want to. But as a mother who at times is consumed with grief, I won't pretend that my every thought is rational. I stood by my son and cried as hard as I did the day we found out he died. Saturday we stopped to see him and tell him we loved him before we went to the Angel Ball. Sunday our families gathered for his stone setting. I could only utter the words " to the moon and back little boy". For now, it is real. His name is carved in granite. I begged our families to visit him. For I am afraid he will be forgotten.

The weekend at home was busy as always. No time to relax. Only time to go from place to place to place. Thursday was dinner with my in-laws. Friday morning was Easter pictures with the duckies for the girls then dinner with our friends and family. Saturday was the SHARE Ball and Sunday we flew home. Overall, being home made me sad. It reminded me of how much I want to be there. It makes living here almost unbearable.

The SHARE Ball was full of a lot of mixed emotion. I sat in my chair at table 21 looking around at all of the people. Every person in that room had experienced the loss of a child. Although I was in a room full of people, I still felt very alone. I didn't want to be there. The organization has done so much for infant loss. I wish they didn't exist. I wish I wasn't sitting there among all of those people. We sat with family. A family member who 30 years ago lost a daughter. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was that we lost Charlie. She told me the story of how her loss went. I was appauled and amazed. Appauled at how the death of a child was handled 30 years ago. Amazed at how much had changed in 30 years. Overall the ball was a pleasant experience. However, it brought so many feelings I had been pushing down in my gut to the surface.

As we went to leave Charlie I said.."I'm always leaving him". I left him in the hospital, alone. I left him at the funeral home. Too scared to look at him in his casket. I left him at his funeral...to return to the NICU to hug his sisters. And again, I left him to come back. From now until the end of my life I will be leaving him.