So many things have happened over the past few weeks. Two are happy, but certainly sting a little.
My dear friend adopted a baby boy. I am so very delighted for her. She and her husband are wonderful parents to their daughter and their new son will be loved no less than their daughter. I'm rather intrigued to see what neat things they do with this new little tot. But, regardless of how happy I still had a little moment when I got that first picture of him on my cell. I guess it brought up some memories and feelings I wasn't quite prepared for or expecting.
Monday was my birthday. Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant and Derek graduated from Law School. What a freaking fantastic birthday. This year, was good, but I again...bittersweet. I missed him.
Wednesday my friend delivered a healthy baby boy. Here is the thing...I referred her to my doc and knew she would be delivering at General. I thought I would be okay. The co-workers and I decided to go over and see her around lunch time. As we walked to the car, I could feel myself start to falter. I stepped in the doors of the hospital and lost it. I turned right back around and walked out. That hospital is where my world was turned upside down. I could see the red chair in the lobby that I sat in at 1 o'clock in the morning the day after the babies were born. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking and pleading for any answer as to why our baby had died. That red chair was sitting in the same place. As I walked down the hallway toward post partum..more memories bubbled up. That walk I took over and over because I couldn't sleep. Instead of making the right to go to my room, we made a left. I took a deep breath. So, we entered the doorway of her room. I stood there. I looked at her new son from a distance. Quite a cute little guy. But, I couldn't get enough courage to hold him or even look at him for an extened period of time. Much to my delight/surprise the nurse came and said Dr. Stewart was coming to get the little man for his circ. I was excited. And then he appeared in the doorway. I walked over and he gave me hug. I kid you not, I started sobbing. Had I not caught myself it would have been the ugly boo hoo sob. He asked how I was. I said "okay until I saw you." I had wanted to see him. This man was such an integral part of my life for 22 weeks. I adored him. Silly, I know. So, we stood there talking until he really did need to do his work and we needed to get back. Once back at my desk. Away from anyone who could see me...I let go. I called Derek and I just let go. The ugly, giant tears, hyperventilating cry. Then I sucked it up and went to my meeting.
Tonight I am trying to make negatives of Charlie's foot moulds. I want to make a 3D image so I can put them in a shadow box. I made moulds of the girls hands and feet last weekend. I compared the girls to his. His are so tiny in comparison. When they were born, they were all the same size. It is another reminder that Charlie will forever be the 3lb 12oz perfect little newborn. He will never grow any bigger or do any of the things his sisters do. I won't pretend my heart doesn't ache. I guess it aches a little less intensely most days, but it still aches.
Tomorrow the girls turn 8 months. The are sitting, rolling over (when we aren't in the room), cooing, getting teeth, and fighting over toys. It is all so wonderful. It is all so bittersweet.