Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

Our New Year's Eve was spent driving. We said one more good bye to Charlie and hit the road for home. It seemed to take forever. We pulled into our driveway at 11:00. One hour until midnight...yay! The girls were troopers during the drive. (Thank goodness for the Muppet movie and their Calm Baby video) We opted to let them play for a few before we put them to bed. Afterall, 10 hours in a car makes a person stiff.

At 11:30 I grabbed Emma to get her jammies on. Derek grabbed Kate. Kate started to cry. She cried so hard that she turned blue. Not just a little dusky because she was crying hard. She hadn't inhaled. It felt like an eternity. Her face turned purple, her lips were blue. Her eyes, I can't describe her eyes. I believe she may have lost consciousness. When she finally started to cry, she was dazed. And as quickly as it happened, she was fine. She was her happy - playful self. After she was okay, I tried to finish getting Emma dressed. I couldn't. The sheer panic finally set in. My hands shook. I started hyperventilating. At one point I screamed. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried. Ultimately, I ran outside to try and compose myself. Leaving Derek to dress the girls. The image of her little face. Her cheruby face turning purple. Her lips turning blue. She looked like Charlie. Those same feelings of intense fear and sadness overtook me.

I came inside and let Derek have his minute. He was just as scared as I was. He just held it together much better than I did. I don't know how, but he did.

Our pediatrician had told us this may happen. That kids get really mad and hold their breath. He warned us it would be very scary. Scary is an understatement.

About 10 to midnight we put them to bed. I'm not sure either of us realized midnight came and went.

We drank our champagne and waited to ring in Charlie's New Year. At midnight his time we toasted our New Year. We turned off our Christmas lights for him and went to bed.

Here we are...2012. One more year away from him. Sigh.


  1. I am so sorry for your losses. I found your blog on faces of loss, faces of hope. It is good to know there are people who "get it." I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well;

  2. ...oh and I was especially drawn to your blog because my best friend is a triplet, one girl and two boys.