This has been a rough week. Not only at work, but just in general. It seems like everywhere I turn there is triplet "stuff". Commercials, families, even a surgeon used triplets in an analogy. It isn't that I ever want to forget I had triplets. I absolutely don't. However, seeing/hearing this stuff just hurts. I was part of this special "club" of women to carry three babies at one time. And while that part doesn't change, I only have two of them in my arms. My arms aren't full. My heart isn't full. With this comes all of the same questions of "why us?" Clearly, I will never know or understand the reason. It doesn't make things easier.
I suppose part of the reason it has been particularly difficult is Katie Bug's NY Eve incident and we lost our friend Dr. Knerr. Charlie and he share the same name. The world lost another Charles. Sigh...
I haven't been able to get the image of Katie out of my head. I imagine that she and Charlie would have looked similar. Atleast they did when they were born. I was scared. I'm still scared. I feel like I had finally let my guard down a little bit and WHACK! there is another little reminder that they can be taken away from us at any minute. That thought is just too much to bare.
Today I also read up on a story I followed two years ago. It was about a little boy in Peoria who was very sick with leukemia and was not expected to make it until Christmas. So, people all around his home town and the country put up Christmas lights in Oct/Nov and shared photos of them for him. He loved Christmas lights. Well, he passed away after not too long after Christmas. He was just a little guy. 2-ish. His mom is amazing. She has done so many wonderful things to honor her son. They also had another baby. She is just about the same age as the girls. They had posted a photo of their family together at the cemetary. We've taken that same photo. I hate it.
I hate that there are so many families who know what it feels to lose a child. Whether their child is born too soon or like Dr. Knerr's mother, their child is 65. It isn't fair.
So, while I was sitting here thinking about Charlie. How his fingernail on his right pinky was long and mishaped. That his feet looked just like mine. That he had so much dark brown hair. And that he had the cutest little lips. I decided to google him. Most of what comes up is about his website that quite frankly, I have failed at keeping up. But, a few other things come up. One is a memorial his Grandma/Grandpa Haake dedicated to him at College Church. And the other is a dedication I did for him on CarlyMarie Dudley's website. I had forgotten I did this.
It certainly describes how I feel about him and I thought I would share it.
Jennifer Haake says:
December 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm
My Charlie, each day you bring me joy and happiness that I cannot describe. You are the bright star in the sky that I wish upon. You are the rainbow that comes before the rain. You are that part of me that will forever be missing. I love you little boy. Merry Christmas.
Daddy, Mommy, Emma and Katie
Remembering Charles Douglas Haake, born still September 23, 2010