The best and worst day of my life...

You all know our beautiful babies were born on September 23, 2010. This day was the best day of my life and the worst day of my life. Our first daughter, Emma was born at 12:57pm weighing in at 4lb 7oz. Katherine, came at 12:58 weighing in at 4lbs 12oz. And our beautiful son, Charlie, was born at 12:59 weighing 3lbs 12oz.

The plan for that day was NST, lunch, and Dr. Stewart. We really had no reason to think anything was going to happen any differently. I was tired and moving slowly, but the babies seemed to be doing fine. They were moving and Baby B had the hiccups. We started our NST. Marty got baby A on the FECG, then baby B. When it came time to find baby C time seemed to stand still. She couldn't find him. She took us over to the ultrasound room where I heard the words "baby C has expired". Those words will forever be burned into my soul. Derek and I held each other and sobbed. Our vigorous and active little baby had died. What happened? That is all I could say. They called Dr. Stewart and he ran over to us. I called my mom. Within the hour we were going to meet our babies.

They took me to pre-op. Derek ran home to get our video camera and our camera. After all, we weren't planning on any of this happening. I remember filling out a ton of paperwork. They put in my IV and got me prepped for my c-section. I felt like I was in someone elses body.

Derek got to the hospital about 5 minutes before I walked back to the OR. He put on his garb for the OR. I walked back. They put in my spinal. And it was off to the races. Dr. Stewart pulled out each baby and showed them to me over the curtain. First was Emma, then Kate, then Charlie. All three were beautiful and perfect.

Derek filmed it all. They took all three babies to another room. Emma was fine. She didn't require any real additional assistance. Katherine was intubated and given a dose of surfactant. And Charlie was dressed in a little hat and gown for Derek to hold. Derek told me he sat and held Charlie until they wheeled me into recovery.

I sat with my perfect little boy in my arms. He was beautiful. He looked a lot like Katie. They think he rolled on his cord. His cord was small and short. They said when that when the cord is small it doesn't recover like a fatter cord. That he probably rolled and pinched it for just a second. They brought Emma in for us to hold. I held Charlie on one side and Emma on the other. Then they wheeled Katie in so we could see and touch her. We took a photo of the 5 of us. Our family. I held Charlie for 8 hours. Those were 8 of the fastest and most precious hours of my life.

Emma and Katie were transferred over to Akron Children's NICU. Emma went along for the ride more than for the support. Katie was given another dose of surfactant and extubated the next afternoon. They are doing very well. They are really just kind of hanging out in the NICU growing a little bit. I'm hoping their stay is going to be a short one, but they say plan on them coming home some time around their original due date. I go up to the NICU everyday and spend as much time with them as I can. When I am with them, my heart doesn't hurt. I tend to forget for just a little bit.

I stayed in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. We had a funeral for Charlie on Wednesday. My mom flew home to St. Louis on Friday. Derek and I flew home and buried him on Saturday. I feel like a third of me is missing. I keep wondering how you can miss something so much that you really never met. I hear the pain never really gets easier it just changes. You learn to stop focusing on the loss and redirect it. There are times I can't breathe thinking of Charlie. I ache for him. I am lucky, I still have these two amazing girls. They are amazing gifts and it is my job to take care of them and love them.

I'm going to keep posting to the blog. I'm not going to change the name. I carried and delivered three perfect babies. They will always be my three beans.