It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

I'm rather excited about the babies first Christmas. To honor them we bought each of them an ornament we can put their picture in for the tree. Emma's is a tree, Katie's is a bear (I think), and Charlie's is an angel. I've also gotten other ornaments from people for them. I will be buying them both a special ornament with 2010 on it. But, I can do that later. We did their 2 month/Christmas photo shoot this weekend. I am in love with the pictures. This holiday season will be a busy one. Friday is the tree lighting at Children's. There are three lights on the tree that represent them. The following Tuesday is the Remembrance Ceremony at the Chapel. Charlie's name will be read. Then my mom is coming to visit. Then my inlaws will be back. That means I have to be prepared with gifts and what not really early. Christmas day will be all ours. We won't have to share them with anyone. The four of us will hang out in our jammies and snuggle as a family. I'm rather excited.

Emma

Katie

2/3 of my whole heart

Going Back to work...

Going back to work is horrible. I cried a lot in the days leading up to it. The anxiety was aweful. My first day back was the Monday before Thanksgiving. A few people were nice enough to treat me like a normal human being. However, the majority look at me as if I have four heads. I have heard "you look great" probably fifty times. People just don't know what to say. They all give me this look. It is hard to explain, but it certainly doesn't make me feel any more eager to be back. I've also been asked if I am staying probably a million times. People..if I leave you will find out when I leave. Why is it any of their business. What impact does it have on them...none. Mind your own damn business. If only I could say all of that to people. In my 4 month abscence not a thing changed. Everyone is still miserable. The silly bickering continues. However, I have changed. I don't care about this stuff. I go to work because I have to. Not because I want to. I do this job because I have to. Not because I want to. My perspective on life has completely changed. I don't have to patience for silly stuff anymore.

So, for now, I will keep my head down and stay focused.

Thanksgiving

I made Thanksgiving dinner. Our first as a family of 5. I cooked the usual Turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, corn, rolls, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Derek's family was all in town and came to our house for dinner. This was actually the first time I have ever cooked for his parents. No pressure or anything. The turkey was delicious. The meal in general was quite good. Or atleast that is what everyone said. The girls slept in their bouncy seats while we ate. Overall, it was a lovely evening. Until I finally let myself breathe. Unfortunately, it was while the family was still at the house. I went outside to talk to my sister and lost it. I was sobbing so hard and so loud that they could hear me inside. They left shortly after I came back inside.

Travel with newborns

My friends

My baby girls

so, I had to go back to work the week of Thanksgiving so, we decided to drive home for a weekend. What is normally an 8 hour drive took 11 hours with the girls. Quite frankly, they were wonderful. They slept or hung out in their carseats. It was the stopping to feed them every three hours that took up the bulk of time. Each stop took about an hour. Which then extended the trip and forced us to stop three times. However, overall, the trip was wonderful. We had a little open house for the girls so that my family and friends could meet them. I think for being who I am I did okay. I made sure everyone washed their hands and used hand sanitizer. I didn't let any kids hold them. I tried to relax and let things go. At the end of the day, the three of us layed on my mom's futon and snuggled. We were all worn out. On Sunday we went to Derek's mom for "Thanksgiving" with our families. It was a way for us to celebrate with my inlaws, Derek's grandparents, and my family. It really was nice looking around and seeing all of the people so important to us.

I visited Charlie three times while I was there. I could have slept there if they would have let me. The saddness is still so raw and overwhelming. We took him flowers and a picture of his sisters. I'm very appreciative of everyone who visits him. I struggle with knowing he is all alone and cold. On our way out of town we stopped one last time. Leaving him that day was as hard as leaving him the day we buried him. I layed on his grave wailing. My tears left a puddle on the dirt. I keep saying this, but I ache for that little boy. I want my three babies in my arms, happy and healthy.

We have a lot to be thankful for. This truly has been the best and worst year of our lives.

Charlie

I've decided to write a blog all about my little boy. One of the other "angel moms" as we are called, said someone once told her to write everything she could remember about her son down. So, that is what I am going to do with the idea that I will print it and put it in his scrapbook.

Charlie:

When we had our 19 week ultrasound I saw that Baby A was a boy. You stuck your little rear end right at the ultrasound tech.

At the next ultrasound at 21 weeks you had moved to the Baby B position and had your head touching Baby A's (Emma) feet.

At our 23 week ultrasound or the "Big Ultrasound" you were big and strong. You had long arms and long legs. You wiggled and moved and forced the ultrasound tech to chase you around.

At some point you and Baby C switched positions. As far as we knew you were still baby B. So, you started off at the bottom and ended up at the top. At our last ultrasound we saw you sucking your thumb. We have a picture of that. That was a week or so before you were born.

During all of our NST's you caused trouble. You were quite the mover and shaker. You kicked and rolled. You had the hiccups all of the time. In fact, it was you who I felt have the hiccups for the first time. I put my hand on my belly and could feel the rhythmic little jerks of your hiccups.

I could see you roll. I could see you kick. I patted you on the rear. I sang to you and talked to you. I called you my little buddy.

When they told me you had died, I cried so hard I threw up. I was devestated. In the last image of you in my belly I saw your heart had stopped beating. I kept saying over and over "what happened...what happened?" I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you had been so active and so vigorous and then gone. I still can't.

We didn't know that you were baby C. We assumed you were still baby B. When they pulled you from my belly and held you over the curtain I cried and said "oh buddy, I love you". Your daddy took a picture of you as the doctor held you up. You were beautiful. You were perfect.

The nurses never put you down. They rocked you and held you while they finished my surgery. Your daddy held you until I was wheeled into recovery. As soon as I was placed in recovery I asked for you. I held you for 8 hours. I wish I had held you longer. I wish that I had asked for you to be brought back to me. I was afraid, for that, I am so sorry. I feel like I failed you. I couldn't protect you.

I sang to you. I stroked your perfect little head and kissed you. I told you I love you more than the there are stars in the sky.

Your hair was long, thick, and almost black. You had my feet and hands. You had your daddy's lips, arms, and legs. You had my nose. You were the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen.

We took pictures of you. I look at them every day and every night. Sometimes, 3 or 4 times a day. I'm afraid I will forget what you looked like and how you felt. I hold the hat you wore and rock with it. It is the only thing you touched that I can touch.

Your daddy wrote the poem that we put in your funeral prayer card. Nothing we found was good enough for you.

We buried you with your two teddy bears, your soft blue blanket, a rosary, a cross made from palm, and a coin. I buried you in what was to be your coming home outfit. Khaki pants, a long sleeve blue onsie, your sweater vest, blue hat and socks. I was afraid you would be cold.

The day we buried you there was a double rainbow at sunrise as your daddy and I drove to the airport. I like to think it was you. It had rained in STL that morning. The wind blew and the sun came out only for your service. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to take your little casket and run as fast as I could and take you away.

I thought I was doing better until I had to leave you again. Afterall, your grave is the closest I will ever be to you until I join you in heaven. However as I layed on your grave wailing, I realized how much I miss you and how broken my heart really is. I only knew you for a short time, but you changed me. I will never be the same.

A poem that was sent to me:

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies she never did before
From now until she dies,she'll tell a whole lot more
Ask my mom how she isand because she can't explain,
She will tell a little liebecause she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is, She'll say "I'm alright"If that's the truth, than tell me,why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is,she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truthjust say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is sheshe'll lie and say she's fine
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Momwith all the lies you told!"- author unknown

I love you little boy