10 Months...

My princess's
Katherine Bug-Bug

Emma Bean

The Covered Bridge

I know I say this almost every monthly post, but I just can't believe the girls are 10 months old. They are both just blabbering up a storm. Katie is working on crawling. Emma is right there behind her. However, she is a little more reserved. She scoots on her butt. She will scoot wherever she wants to go as long as she doesn't have to get on her belly. So dainty and proper. They have started feeding themselves puffs, peas, carrots, yogurt melts, mum mums, crackers, and biter biscuits. It seems taht a switch just went off and POOF! they wanted to eat regular food. They have also been eating yogurt. Kate isn't liking baby food as much. She spits it at if she doesn't like it. We are working on that one too.

Charlie's Legacy: Family stories of grief, healing and solace

I had an experience this weekend that led me to an epiphany. I need to help other families. To do this, I think I would like to give other families experiencing this to be able to put their pain on paper with the hopes that it will help others. Our vision for this book is a family oriented book. We would like the experiences/thoughts/feelings of the parents, the grandparents, and the aunts and uncles. No matter how raw. Now matter the emotion involved. Many of the books that exist currently focus on the parents and thier aspect of the loss. Grandparents get lost. The parent's siblings are lost. The loss of a baby engulfs an entire family. The entire family is affected in a multitude of ways. We want to give families a place to document their journey. Their sadness. And for some, their rainbows. We want families that are in the very beginning of the process to families that are years in the making. It is the only way we can be of help to others while helping ourselves.

If you are interested, or know anyone who would like to contribute, please let myself or Derek know.

Happy 4th of July!!

Katie
We are not amused

Emma

They love the Fireworks!!! I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I love fireworks. I was afraid they would be afraid. Not one bit. They sat in my lap in complete awe of the bangs and the bright flashes of color.

As I sat there watching their excitement and wonder, I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that came over me. I sat there, stroking their silky hair, and sobbed. I had bought them outfits last summer for the 4th of July. I had bought Emma a little red dress with little flowers and Charlie little red plaid shorts with a white shirt that had a red stripe. I would have bought Katie a red dress to go with thier outfits. Instead, Charlie's outfit is packed away in a green tote with all of his other belongings and the girls wore new outfits that were completely different than what I had planned. It hurt. While the evening was wonderful, it hurt. Another first for them. Another first for us.

Thoughts floating through my head...

I have been obscessing about finding pictures of the girls with Dr. Stewart and Dr. Nash. They seemed to have just disappeared. Finally, we found them. I was relieved and then I was sad. I just sat here looking through 500 pictures of the girls from their first few days of life outside my belly. The first picture in the series was a photo of me the day after they were born. Laying in my hospital bed. My belly was deflated. I was so sad and defeated. Sadness seeping out of every pore. There were all of these pictures from their first days. Pictures and moments I don't remember. I had forgotten how they looked when they were first born. I had forgotten about the places where their IV's were. I had forgotten how much Katie and Charlie looked alike. I just became sad. I'm sad because they are growing up. They aren't looking like babies. They are looking like little girls. I'm sure every mother goes through this with their children. I don't believe I am unique in many ways.

I find it so hard to believe that it has been 9 months since our lives took a 180. In just a few months they will 1. One year since the lights of our lives were born. One year since our hearts were irrevokably broken.

Last weekend I needed to get out this ball of saddness that was deep in my gut. So, as I was driving home from therapy I turned on "the song". The song that most reminds me of Charlie. I started to cry. I started to sob. Then, out of no where, the screams. I screamed so loud and from a place I can only describe as the pit of my being.

The bad days are fewer and a little further in between. The good days are more and more. I find myself able to laugh again. I allow myself to be happy even when I don't want to. Slowly, I am healing.

9 Months...

Katie and Emma
Emma Bean

Katie Bug



The girls are 9 months old. That means in 3 months they will be a year old. I can't believe this. I just can't believe this. They are rolling around, chatting away, and just having a good ol' time playing in the floor. When they went to the doctor for their 9 month well child, Emma weighed in at 16 lbs and Katie weighed 18 lbs. The only thing they are "behind" in is they aren't crawling. Katie seems to want to crawl. She sits on tucks her leg in and haves the leg out. Puts her arms out and kinda rocks. She doesn't quite know what to think just yet.

8 Months...

Two beautiful butterflies
Emma Bean

Katie Bug

Sometimes, I sit and wonder where has the time gone. My little girls are 8 months old. It is so very hard to believe that they will be 1 in just 4 short months.

One Hell of a Week

So many things have happened over the past few weeks. Two are happy, but certainly sting a little.

My dear friend adopted a baby boy. I am so very delighted for her. She and her husband are wonderful parents to their daughter and their new son will be loved no less than their daughter. I'm rather intrigued to see what neat things they do with this new little tot. But, regardless of how happy I still had a little moment when I got that first picture of him on my cell. I guess it brought up some memories and feelings I wasn't quite prepared for or expecting.

Monday was my birthday. Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant and Derek graduated from Law School. What a freaking fantastic birthday. This year, was good, but I again...bittersweet. I missed him.

Wednesday my friend delivered a healthy baby boy. Here is the thing...I referred her to my doc and knew she would be delivering at General. I thought I would be okay. The co-workers and I decided to go over and see her around lunch time. As we walked to the car, I could feel myself start to falter. I stepped in the doors of the hospital and lost it. I turned right back around and walked out. That hospital is where my world was turned upside down. I could see the red chair in the lobby that I sat in at 1 o'clock in the morning the day after the babies were born. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking and pleading for any answer as to why our baby had died. That red chair was sitting in the same place. As I walked down the hallway toward post partum..more memories bubbled up. That walk I took over and over because I couldn't sleep. Instead of making the right to go to my room, we made a left. I took a deep breath. So, we entered the doorway of her room. I stood there. I looked at her new son from a distance. Quite a cute little guy. But, I couldn't get enough courage to hold him or even look at him for an extened period of time. Much to my delight/surprise the nurse came and said Dr. Stewart was coming to get the little man for his circ. I was excited. And then he appeared in the doorway. I walked over and he gave me hug. I kid you not, I started sobbing. Had I not caught myself it would have been the ugly boo hoo sob. He asked how I was. I said "okay until I saw you." I had wanted to see him. This man was such an integral part of my life for 22 weeks. I adored him. Silly, I know. So, we stood there talking until he really did need to do his work and we needed to get back. Once back at my desk. Away from anyone who could see me...I let go. I called Derek and I just let go. The ugly, giant tears, hyperventilating cry. Then I sucked it up and went to my meeting.

Tonight I am trying to make negatives of Charlie's foot moulds. I want to make a 3D image so I can put them in a shadow box. I made moulds of the girls hands and feet last weekend. I compared the girls to his. His are so tiny in comparison. When they were born, they were all the same size. It is another reminder that Charlie will forever be the 3lb 12oz perfect little newborn. He will never grow any bigger or do any of the things his sisters do. I won't pretend my heart doesn't ache. I guess it aches a little less intensely most days, but it still aches.

Tomorrow the girls turn 8 months. The are sitting, rolling over (when we aren't in the room), cooing, getting teeth, and fighting over toys. It is all so wonderful. It is all so bittersweet.