8 Months...

Two beautiful butterflies
Emma Bean

Katie Bug

Sometimes, I sit and wonder where has the time gone. My little girls are 8 months old. It is so very hard to believe that they will be 1 in just 4 short months.

One Hell of a Week

So many things have happened over the past few weeks. Two are happy, but certainly sting a little.

My dear friend adopted a baby boy. I am so very delighted for her. She and her husband are wonderful parents to their daughter and their new son will be loved no less than their daughter. I'm rather intrigued to see what neat things they do with this new little tot. But, regardless of how happy I still had a little moment when I got that first picture of him on my cell. I guess it brought up some memories and feelings I wasn't quite prepared for or expecting.

Monday was my birthday. Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant and Derek graduated from Law School. What a freaking fantastic birthday. This year, was good, but I again...bittersweet. I missed him.

Wednesday my friend delivered a healthy baby boy. Here is the thing...I referred her to my doc and knew she would be delivering at General. I thought I would be okay. The co-workers and I decided to go over and see her around lunch time. As we walked to the car, I could feel myself start to falter. I stepped in the doors of the hospital and lost it. I turned right back around and walked out. That hospital is where my world was turned upside down. I could see the red chair in the lobby that I sat in at 1 o'clock in the morning the day after the babies were born. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking and pleading for any answer as to why our baby had died. That red chair was sitting in the same place. As I walked down the hallway toward post partum..more memories bubbled up. That walk I took over and over because I couldn't sleep. Instead of making the right to go to my room, we made a left. I took a deep breath. So, we entered the doorway of her room. I stood there. I looked at her new son from a distance. Quite a cute little guy. But, I couldn't get enough courage to hold him or even look at him for an extened period of time. Much to my delight/surprise the nurse came and said Dr. Stewart was coming to get the little man for his circ. I was excited. And then he appeared in the doorway. I walked over and he gave me hug. I kid you not, I started sobbing. Had I not caught myself it would have been the ugly boo hoo sob. He asked how I was. I said "okay until I saw you." I had wanted to see him. This man was such an integral part of my life for 22 weeks. I adored him. Silly, I know. So, we stood there talking until he really did need to do his work and we needed to get back. Once back at my desk. Away from anyone who could see me...I let go. I called Derek and I just let go. The ugly, giant tears, hyperventilating cry. Then I sucked it up and went to my meeting.

Tonight I am trying to make negatives of Charlie's foot moulds. I want to make a 3D image so I can put them in a shadow box. I made moulds of the girls hands and feet last weekend. I compared the girls to his. His are so tiny in comparison. When they were born, they were all the same size. It is another reminder that Charlie will forever be the 3lb 12oz perfect little newborn. He will never grow any bigger or do any of the things his sisters do. I won't pretend my heart doesn't ache. I guess it aches a little less intensely most days, but it still aches.

Tomorrow the girls turn 8 months. The are sitting, rolling over (when we aren't in the room), cooing, getting teeth, and fighting over toys. It is all so wonderful. It is all so bittersweet.

Happy Mother's Day

Well, it was my first Mother's Day with my babies in my arms instead of my belly. The day was fairly non-eventful. We hung around the house. It wasn't any different than any other day. Or atleast it didn't seem so. I won't say that part of me wan't sad. It wasn't the affair I had hoped. I talked to other mom friends and they were having tea parties and get togethers. I sat home and did nothing any different. We ended up going to dinner at the lebanese place, but that was about it. I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting, but I am certain the day was not it. I could tell you about how I stared at pictures of Charlie, but you probably already know that. Oh well, I suppose there is always next year. Right?

Going to the Zoo...

I was totally "that parent"
Taking a spin with miss Julianna

One of my faves...Emma and the goat


Katie and the goats

Emma and the Acme dog

Katie and Conrad Conservation

We ventured out to the Zoo! The weather was finally nice enough to leave the house. So, we packed up the girls and headed to the zoo with our friend Sara and her two munchkins. While the girls didn't really care too terribly much, I made sure they saw everything and experienced as much as I could. I showed the the animals. I had their pictures taken with the big characters walking around. I let them feed the goats. I rode the carosel with them. And I put there heads in the funny penguin statues for pictures. Overall, definately a good day. The fresh air and sunshine did all of us good.

Happy Easter take 2

Egg Head's

The Easter Bunny came! Easter eve the girls and I dyed eggs for the doggies annual egg hunt. They didn't so much care, but they were rather fascinated with the eggs. The girls wore their special bunny jammies and went to bed. Not knowing that when they woke up there would be two baskets with goodies waiting for them. We sat them on the couch and let them "open" their baskets. For being 7 months old, they did a rather good job. They tore out the toys. Didn't care too much about the jammies. Put the candy in their mouths for a photo. Played with the grass and ribbon. All in all, they had a lovely time. They even posed for a few photographs.

What you didn't see in the video we shot was me sobbing. Like every other milestone, holiday, or event my mind wanders to Charlie. He should have been sitting there with his basket. Instead his basket sat next to his newly installed headstone.

Charlie's Headstone and STL

Charlie's Headstone
Ready for the SHARE Angel Ball

My family

Last weekend we took quite the adventure. We flew to STL for the weekend. The girls did an absdolutely amazing job on the plane. In spite of being way off their schedules, they slept and played. A few of the passengers didn't even realize their were babies on the plane.

The first place we went after landing was to see our Charlie. We confirmed his stone would be in place and inquired about a few things. When we pulled up we saw they had dug another grave. There was another little boy being buried on Friday. We spent a few minutes with Charlie before we headed out to my mom's. I got on my knees and kissed the dirt. That is the closest to kissing him I can get. When I talked to the owner of the cemetary, he told me there is about 18 inches of dirt on top of Charlie. The first thought...I could easily unbury him with my hands and run with him. I won't do that. No matter how much I would want to. But as a mother who at times is consumed with grief, I won't pretend that my every thought is rational. I stood by my son and cried as hard as I did the day we found out he died. Saturday we stopped to see him and tell him we loved him before we went to the Angel Ball. Sunday our families gathered for his stone setting. I could only utter the words " to the moon and back little boy". For now, it is real. His name is carved in granite. I begged our families to visit him. For I am afraid he will be forgotten.

The weekend at home was busy as always. No time to relax. Only time to go from place to place to place. Thursday was dinner with my in-laws. Friday morning was Easter pictures with the duckies for the girls then dinner with our friends and family. Saturday was the SHARE Ball and Sunday we flew home. Overall, being home made me sad. It reminded me of how much I want to be there. It makes living here almost unbearable.

The SHARE Ball was full of a lot of mixed emotion. I sat in my chair at table 21 looking around at all of the people. Every person in that room had experienced the loss of a child. Although I was in a room full of people, I still felt very alone. I didn't want to be there. The organization has done so much for infant loss. I wish they didn't exist. I wish I wasn't sitting there among all of those people. We sat with family. A family member who 30 years ago lost a daughter. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was that we lost Charlie. She told me the story of how her loss went. I was appauled and amazed. Appauled at how the death of a child was handled 30 years ago. Amazed at how much had changed in 30 years. Overall the ball was a pleasant experience. However, it brought so many feelings I had been pushing down in my gut to the surface.

As we went to leave Charlie I said.."I'm always leaving him". I left him in the hospital, alone. I left him at the funeral home. Too scared to look at him in his casket. I left him at his funeral...to return to the NICU to hug his sisters. And again, I left him to come back. From now until the end of my life I will be leaving him.

7 Months

Well, they are 7 months old. Last night I was sitting at my laptop looking through all of the pictures from the day they were born to just last night. I am utterly amazed. The first picture I looked at was Charlie being held up by my doctor. He was perfect. He and Emma had the same facial expression when they were delivered. The only difference is he wasn't with us anymore. Then I started looking at the ones of the girls. How alert and healthy they really were. Even Katie with the ET tube and ventilator. I had worked so hard to keep them in. I had worked so hard to feed them healthy foods. At any rate..things happened and as much as I want to turn back the clock to that Friday I was in OB triage, I can't.

The girls are sitting up with a little help. But, in general they sit up by themselves. Still not rolling over, but I know it is simply because they don't want to. I am rather certain they could, but they refuse. Katie has finally discovered how wonderful her feet are. And Emma is content talking to the flower on her exersaucer or making the rolling toy with the beads spin and be loud. They are getting a jumperoo shortly. They need this. They love to bounce. The exersaucer bounce isn't cutting it anymore. Unfortunately, we don't have door frames. So, we can't use the johnny jump ups. They loved playing in theirs at my mom's house.

These aren't the official 7 month pics, but for now, they will suffice.